Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their children’s performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.

As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in way you want in order to define your worth.

In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing wounded child within you – part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.

Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as rise of crime and number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.

Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Visualize a chain of hearts--an extended valentine, if you will--connecting your heart to theirs. Remember that you are linked by this shared affection.

In our best moments, we do whatever we can to protect our loved ones from pain. If this person had an injury or illness, you would be gentle, soothing and kind, right? You've probably spent hours caring for this individual with great tenderness.

Tap into that. Look at chain of hearts. Your sharp words slash through that chain like a machete. STOP. Let words drop away as you focus on that connection. Feel your anger and frustration being replaced by compassion.

"Ch-ch-chay-ay-ay-ay-ain...." It's hard to stay cranky while mentally chanting "ch-ch-chain" mantra and visualizing that valentine.

Can't feel love? Try another Aretha Franklin song. Instead of focusing on that ch-ch-chain of hearts, dive into "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" and replace that poison in your words with civility.

Not into Aretha? Pick your own song. Let your mental radio play, and use it to crank up your compassion.

[Bah-oomp] Makes me feel like A Natural Woman...