Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting

Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.


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Title: Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 783 Category: Parenting

AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING, PERMISSIVE PARENTING, OR LOVING PARENTING By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.

Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didn’t want to treat her childrenrepparttar 111006 way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.

Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her children’s feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swungrepparttar 111007 other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.

The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didn’t value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.

Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values bothrepparttar 111008 parents’ andrepparttar 111009 children’s feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children – other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.

Ch-Ch-Chain of Hearts: Cranking Up Compassion

Written by Maya Talisman Frost


Can you hear your compassion? It's time to crank it up.

One ofrepparttar most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compassionate is dealing with conflict. Those we love most tend to berepparttar 111004 ones most likely to engage us in sparring that cutsrepparttar 111005 deepest.

Why do we allow ourselves to use our harshest words and most acid tone of voice withrepparttar 111006 people we love most?

Precisely because we love them most. We're counting on unconditional love. We know we are likely to be forgiven. We feel close enough to let our true ugliness shine. Blindingly.

We wouldn't dream of lashing out at our colleagues at work in this way. That would be way too risky. Instead, we bottle our daily frustration and dump it all over our loved ones when we get home.

Many of my clients struggle with showing compassion for their partners, children and parents when they are feeling stressed. Instead of relaxing into affection, they respond to requests or confrontation with anger. Most frustrating of all isrepparttar 111007 fact that, while they are lashing out, they recognize that they are alienating those with whom they most want to feel a connection and find comfort. It's as though they are watching themselves lob grenades but are powerless to stop.

One ofrepparttar 111008 best--and easiest to remember--triggers for changing behavior is thinking of a particular song phrase. I teach clients to userepparttar 111009 "ch-ch-chain" part of Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" to kick off a remarkably simple visualization exercise that is very effective in diffusing escalating conflict. It's based on a traditional loving-kindness meditation, but it's a lot more fun!

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