Money is certainly a concern in relationships where both people are working hard yet there is not enough money. However, this is not situation that generally causes relationship problems. In this situation, both partners are on same side, each supporting other in dealing with problems. There are no power struggles, just actual money concerns.

CONFLICTS BASED ON CONTROL

In relationships such as Sam and Rita’s, problems in relationship are not really about money – they about believing that money is more important than caring and compassion. Sam is a person who defines his worth by how much money he has, rather than by how caring a person he is. Like Scrooge in The Christmas Carol, money has become his God. His anxiety and resulting controlling behavior with Rita is not based on reality, but on his ego’s desire for power and control.

If Sam shifted his thinking from fear to love, he would start to give his money away and receive great satisfaction from using his money to help others. He would receive great joy from supporting Rita in doing things that bring her joy. If love and compassion became more important than power and control, Sam and Rita would not have relationship problems.

While Millie and Harold are not loaded with money, problems are similar. Millie fabricates money scenarios that cause her great anxiety and then wants control over getting Harold to relieve her fears. In reality, their money situation is fine. If Millie learned to stay in present instead of obsessing about future, she and Harold could enjoy each other. Her focus on controlling future is causing constant conflict in their relationship.

CONFLICTS BASED ON RESISTANCE

In Rebecca and Jack’s situation, Jack’s resistance to taking financial responsibility is causing Rebecca to have to work too hard. Jack is kind of person who wants to be taken care of rather than be a responsible adult. Jack’s deepest motivation is to not be controlled - by Rebecca, by himself, or by society. His resistance keeps him immobilized in irresponsible behavior. Until caring about himself and others is more important to Jack than not being controlled, he will stay stuck in resistance. Unless Jack decides to become a caring and responsible person, Rebecca either has to accept him way he is or leave relationship. She cannot make Jack change, and conflicts in relationship are because she has not accepted her helplessness over making Jack be different.

Relationship conflicts over money get resolved when both people move out of control or resistance and into caring about themselves and each other. Partnerships based on caring and compassion bring intimacy and joy, even when money is limited.