6. Silence can indicate contemplation.

The more introverted your communication partner, more likely they will think before they speak. Extraverts discover what they’re thinking and how they feel by talking. Introverts figure it all out inside their own head and heart before giving voice to it.

7. Silence can be intentional rudeness. Because of nature of normal conversation in US, allowing an extended silence can be perceived as rudeness. It can also be meant that way. Refusing to reply to other person is a way of ignoring them. 8. Silence can be creation of a listening space.

When you are profoundly listening to someone, you create an open space for them to talk into that’s almost palpable. Good listeners know how to do this, and it can be learned. It’s an openness that you transmit through nonverbal means.

9. Silence can be an indication of empathy.

When we're really tuning in to how other person feels, we're listening more to tone of their voice, cadence and speed rather than actual words, so reply with words may not be most appropriate response. Sometimes sounds are more attuned … a murmur, a sigh, sucking in breath in shock, soothing sounds, clucking (tsk tsk), or shaking head and going uh, uh, uh.

10. How you manage silence in conversation is an important part of emotional intelligence.

Excellent communicators can allow silence when it’s effective or called for; can avoid being pressured into “spilling” when silence is used manipulatively; offer silence as a gift or sign of respect; interpret silence of others appropriately; understand how other cultures use silence; mindfully regulate use of silence; and are comfortable with silence and understand its many uses.

When you do get to that place that you are able to really focus on someone else and you're truly ready to fall in love, then there's some other things to consider. It's only natural that each of our relationships shapes us and effects who we become on some level. How many of us have little quirks that arose due to past loves? Perhaps you were with someone abusive and now every time someone even raises their voice during an argument, red flags start going off and you start panicking. Perhaps you worked your tail off day and night to financially support a high maintenance princess and now you shutter every time your new girlfriend talks about needing more money to pay utilities. Perhaps your partner forced you into sexual acts that weren't in your best interest and now you have some hang ups in bedroom. These are all very natural and normal reactions. We are adaptable creatures that typically learn from our mistakes and try to not repeat bad circumstances. So why wouldn't we be cautious in future? I'm simply suggesting that you sit with these thoughts for a while and make sure that you are not being unfair to your new partner. Are you punishing them for things that your ex did to you? Are you living your life as though new person is exactly same as old one? Are you unconsciously creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and forcing your new partner to play out a role that your spouse played? Just look at these things and be aware. It can really make difference between repeating another bad marriage and having a successful second chance at love.

One last thought which is sort of flip side to one just mentioned. Sometimes we don't realize that we try to repeat good things from our old relationship with new partner. For example, taking them on exact same romantic weekend and trying to relive wonder of first time with first partner. Sometimes we don't realize that we make unfair comparisons, "Well my first wife always had my dinner on table when I came home." "Well my first husband knew how to fix car so that we didn't have to pay a mechanic to do it." Don't look to recreate first marriage. Instead, remember that this is a unique and different relationship with a unique and different partner. Love them for who they are.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge