Areceli has a difficult time with relationships both in her personal life and at work. When I listen to her ask someone for something, I understand why. Her requests are almost always legitimate, but her presentation defeats her. Areceli expects to get a “no,” even with
smallest request, so she starts off with a plaintive and whiny tone of voice. She acts like it’s hopeless and she’s helpless.
She begins with, “I know you aren’t going to do this for me,” and a sigh. When someone does say “no” to her, she gets angry. She either says something flippant, like, “Like you would’ve helped me,” or raises her voice and says, “You never give me what I want.”
No, she’s not three years old, she’s an adult who has very low Emotional intelligence. No one ever taught her competencies she needs to understand her own emotions or those and others, and bring about win-win outcomes.
Use these Emotional Intelligence competencies to maximize your chances of getting what you want:
1.Empathy.
You may be urgent in your request, but understand other person’s position. Most of us want to please those around us, when possible; that is, we have good will. When someone asks us for something, we go through a bit of an emotional loop – Will they demand and be impossible? Can I give this without harming myself? Will this become never-ending? If I say “no” to this person who is important to me, will it create a problem?
Understand that a request may stress person you’re asking and make your request calm and pleasant, and your reaction to their response, pleasant and gracious.
2. Personal Power.
Personal power means you know you’re capable of handling your life. When you approach from this standpoint, you won’t come on begging or demanding. No one wants to have a demand placed on them. It immediately raises resistance. However, no one minds a request.
Has someone ever said to you, “I want this-and-such or I’m leaving,” or “If you don’t call me tonight this relationship is over”? EQ dictates -- Don’t demand, request. Ask. This gives other people permission to satisfy themselves while taking care of you.
3. Integrated Self: Staying centered.
Only when we’re three years old do we think we’re going to die if we don’t get what we want … or as teenagers … or as adults, if we aren’t thinking straight. EQ means being able to think clearly and act appropriately while under press of strong emotions (your own and others’). Yes, it’s important to have that raise/hot fudge sundae/kiss/help with dishes, but life will still go on without them.
The less ‘desperate’ you are, more likely you’ll get what you want. Just a rule of life. Before you make this request, do what we call “the EQ-Checkin.” Ask yourself “How am I feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.” This will get you in touch with all parts of yourself, and prepare you to make reasonable requests in a reasonable manner.
4. Trust Radius.
The past ended one minute ago. Don’t let it make you cynical, bitter and untrustful of others. If you approach your life that way, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are suspicious, other people pick up on it. They then think there’s a reason to be suspicious themselves … emotions are CONTAGIOUS.
Approach other people ASSUMING they are going to give you what you want. Unless it’s a preposterous request, or you state it in such a way it becomes one, you’re likely to get it. Consider for a moment how you would ask for something if you “knew” you would get it. You would be matter-of-fact, courteous, gently forthright, and brief.
