my first day as the Easter Bunny

Written by keith merritt

My first day asrepparttar Easter Bunny. The set is moving. There are animatronics. No one told me there’d be animatronics A rabbit with a busted plaster ear eternally chases cabbages, which are inexplicably spinning, spinning. A tiny farmer, armed with a pitchfork ( a real pitchfork, mind you, on a children’s set---madness. ) a farmer futilely tries to defend his garden. One of his arms looks like it was broken and set wrong; it sticks out at a weird angle. There is fake green grass, little white picket fences, a shed with a big ornate garden chair for kids to sit and pose withrepparttar 118076 Easter Bunny. There are no kids yet. One young guy is manningrepparttar 118077 fort. As I approach, I think, ‘he doesn’t know my face, I could still walk away’...walk away, it echoes in some dim part of my mind that still has dignity. But I know this is my destiny. Appointed by God, or drilled into my psyche from childhood; some forgotten moment when mommy laughed and smiled at an unpremeditated antic. A stumble, a surprised look....resulting in laughter. A clown is born. And so here we are.

I tellrepparttar 118078 guy my name. We go to ‘suit up’. There are hidden places in malls, walls with keyholes, that open into large empty spaces used to store stuff. The suit is there. I must admit it is beautiful. Pristine, first snow of winter white. Soft, lovely fur. Except for one little brown spot onrepparttar 118079 belly. The guy tells me ‘There was an ice cream incident. “ I put onrepparttar 118080 suit. It fits perfectly, of course. All white, with a pink belly,repparttar 118081 body ofrepparttar 118082 suit alone makes me feel like Sasquatch. I picture me walking, big arm swings inrepparttar 118083 woods, grainy image, I look back over my shoulder, Wild Easter bunny , showing contempt for humankind. The feet are enormous boats of white spongy material. They go on right over my old boots. (the same boots that stepped inrepparttar 118084 poop of Shaq oneals dog, at another weird job. ) The bunny hands consist of thumbs and one big finger. And thenrepparttar 118085 head. It’s a really nice one. Shiny, pink nose, big dopey red smiley mouth, repparttar 118086 expression perpetual surprise, amazed with happiness that this child showed up, this old best friend. When you put onrepparttar 118087 head forrepparttar 118088 first time, you think ‘maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.’ . The head is hot. Let’s start like that. Go into your attic, rip some of that pink, fluffy stuff offrepparttar 118089 walls, wrap it tightly around your head. Now go outside on a hot summer day and cavort, Dance around, wave, hop, gesture, shake your head. Imagine there’s a government sniper watching you through a scope with orders to shoot if you stop moving. This isrepparttar 118090 Easter Bunny experience. But I don’t want to giverepparttar 118091 impression it wasn’t fun. I found it immensely so. But then I’m weird.

Nurses, Bedpans And X-Rated Hospital Gowns

Written by Rev. James L. Snyder

Tuesday last I awoke from my nightly slumber with terrific pain in my chest, much like an elephant break-dancing on my chest. It was painful just to breathe, but likerepparttar trooper I am, I shrugged it off and set about my daily routine. Rather than improving,repparttar 118075 pain intensified.

I went to my office and startedrepparttar 118076 day's work only to find it almost impossible. Fortunately, my one daughter is a paramedic withrepparttar 118077 fire department andrepparttar 118078 other is an EMT withrepparttar 118079 county ambulance service. Sitting at my desk, I sawrepparttar 118080 vehicles pull intorepparttar 118081 church office parking lot.

Within a few minutes, my office was filled with EMTs and paramedics. (Someone and I'll mention no name, only to say this person who lives atrepparttar 118082 same address as I, squealed on me.) Their unified mission was convincing a rather stubborn preacher to go torepparttar 118083 hospital. According to their examination, it was possible I was having a heart attack.

Who knew I even had a heart?

Each took turns persuading me that I needed to go torepparttar 118084 hospital. Their strategy was to wear me down. To my credit, it took half a dozen to dorepparttar 118085 job. The ambulance was outside and in a few minutes, so they assured me, they could have me inrepparttar 118086 emergency room.

"What about it, Reverend," a good- looking paramedic said, "how about going torepparttar 118087 hospital?"

"Okay," I finally agreed, "but I'm not going inrepparttar 118088 ambulance, I've already mortgaged my house."

I was escorted to my paramedic daughter's jeep and away we went torepparttar 118089 ER.

When we arrived atrepparttar 118090 hospital, they rushed me intorepparttar 118091 emergency room and started working on me.

After a few hours, I came to myself (which is a shock in and of itself) and discovered my chest had been shaven. Now, what I need to know is, once shaved always shaved? Just a theological ruse.

In examining my chest, I discovered I had 17 nipples of which all but two were hooked up to some monitoring system. When a person, such as I, is in a dazed confused condition, this is enough to create a heart attack.

The medical staff put me through allrepparttar 118092 tests they had in their diagnostic arsenal. Evidently I had crammedrepparttar 118093 night before because I passed allrepparttar 118094 their tests with flying colors. Although I passedrepparttar 118095 testsrepparttar 118096 pain in my chest continued.

During my medical odyssey, I discovered three things.

The first has to do with nurses, which arerepparttar 118097 first line of defense in a medical situation. Sometimes n and I'm not complaining, just grateful n they arerepparttar 118098 only lines of defense. Certainly, they arerepparttar 118099 link to everything a person needs.

It is extremely important to keep on good terms with these angels of mercy. For one, they arerepparttar 118100 ones who wieldrepparttar 118101 needles inrepparttar 118102 ER.

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