When you get ready to dip your toe into
dating waters after having been married for a while, you may be wondering what rules are.While some people say “there are no rules” in game of life, I think it’s opposite. There are always rules, and you have to figure them out as you go along.
There are no rules in sense that you don’t have to follow them, following them doesn’t guarantee good results, and they don’t apply to everyone.
You can also follow all rules but personalities and emotions get in way. For instance in school, you probably learned unfair fact of life that you could be best student, but you might not get best grades if teacher didn’t like you. That’s a meta-rule.
Meta-rules are rules about rules. To say “there are no rules” is a meta-rule.
It will be helpful if you arm yourself with some meta-rules before you begin dating again. Here are a few. There are more in my ebook, “Midlife Dating Survival Manual for Women.”
1.Use good manners. Then no matter what happens, you’ll still feel good about yourself. 2.It’s frustrating because everyone’s in a different stage of recovery and because it’s a challenge to meet new people. There will be rejections. Roll with punches. Everyone else is going through it too. 3.People of opposite sex have changed since last you dated. If last time you dated women were 20, and now they’re 40, you’ll find they’ve learned a lot about men and relationships. Expect surprises. 4.All members of opposite sex are not like one you just lost or left. 5.There’s a lid for every pot. Keep looking. 6.Get clear about what you want, and make sure you’re sending out right signals. (Check with a coach.) 7.“I love you” no longer means a commitment. It’s said more often, just as hugs between men and women are given more often. 8.People lie, both men and women. This hasn’t changed. 9.People also do not always know how they feel nor are they able to express it accurately. Women remain better at it, statistically. It can take a man hours to figure out what he was feeling at time. If you’re a man and want to speed this up and clarify, work with an EQ coach. If you’re a woman, give him time. 10.It takes time to get to know someone and trust them. Experience them over time in different situations with different people and pay attention. 11.We “intuit” meta-rules. The rules that are spoken or written are not always rules that matter. For instance in grade school we knew rules, but we knew what teachers enforced them and what teachers didn’t. Likewise with midlife dating, it’s not always as it first appears. With experience, you’ll start to catch on, get better at it, and feel better about it, even if you can’t articulate it. That’s intuition. 12.There are no mistakes, as long as you’re learning and growing. 13.Date with attitude of having experiences and getting experience, not having success. Success may be a byproduct of experiences, but getting experience is point. 14.Desperation drives it away.
