Zombie, and Other Assorted Un-dead TypesWritten by By S. Joan Popek
The most notable feature of zombies and other dead things is that they are not very smart. Something happens to their logical thinking process in nether world just before they rise again to terrorize their chosen hero and heroin. Speaking of heros, have you noticed that there is always one of each gender of hero/heroin–male and female–everyone else is always killed off so they can be alone. Romantic, right? And they always kiss at least once and usually during most dangerous time, when in real life they would both be having a hard time just keeping their quivering kidneys in check. I know if a dead thing was chasing me, I’d definitely have an urgent need for closest powder room.
But, I digress. An un-dead creature’s intelligence level is obviously to be questioned. Remember Frankenstein’s monster? Bulldozes right through wooden doors designed to keep an army of bloodthirsty, marauding hordes out. Then what does he do? He forgets where he’s going and stops to smell a flower and smile at a sweet, little street urchin who’s out panhandling for her shiftless mother. When he remembers that he’s supposed to be a killer, he growls and lumbers out into smog to find victims. Now where is logic in that? There was a perfectly good victim standing right in front of him, easy pickings, no fuss, no muss. Did he recognize it? No. Instead he spends half night chasing screaming peasants around cold, damp, cobbled streets and ends up going down in flames for his efforts. Duhh!
What about Zombies? They will stand and beat on a door that hero just slammed in their faces for hours. Hello, dead things! Use other door for Heaven’s sake. (Okay, maybe not for Heaven’s sake, but you get idea.) Or why don’t they use window? But nooo, they keep pounding on that one door until it splinters and instead of turning door knob, they thrust their arms through and growl because they can’t quite reach iron-kidney hero who just pushed heroine out other door so they can run away. The delay, of course, gives hero and heroine plenty of time to get away, kiss and other assorted mushy things. Meanwhile zombies are still trying to figure out how to turn damned door knob.
The Gambling TripWritten by Chris Bradford & Brande McCreee
I left Atlanta on Thursday morning headed out west. The trip to airport and flight was uneventful, except waitress lady on plane wouldn't let me pee out window. Something else I noticed, Them airplane folks don't want you to clean their windows. On every one of suckers it says something like "Crystalplex - Do Not Clean" . Now, that brings to mind, just at what point did fliers cleaning airplane windows become such a problem that they had to imprint that on their windows?
Now.. I was going out to see some very special folks and I was really looking forward to seeing them. I had imagined walking off plane and being greeted by these two beautiful blondes.. having them hugging on me in front of other passengers and making all guys envious.
Weeelll, I walk off plane and look around. Nope, no one there for me. I guess they are going to meet me in baggage claim area. So, I sulk on over there and there are this ton and a half of folks standing around this little merry go round thing waiting on their baggage to magically appear. I looked thru crowd real good and note no beautiful blondes.
So, I hang around till my baggage appeared. Every now and again I would reach in down like I was gonna grab someone else's just to put a little excitement in someone's day.
I grab my bags and walk outside and look around. Nope. No beautiful blondes there either. Weeeeell.. that was ok. These two ladies were driving three hours so I figured they must be running a little late. So, I set my bags down, and started pacing around a little and waiting.
And wait I did....
10 minutes... 20 minutes.... 30 minutes... 40 minutes... 50 minutes... 60 minutes... baggage alone and it is too much to tote to bathroom> 70 minutes... 80 minutes.... luggage in car, and take off. After getting in car and underway, Jane finally told me those three little words that mean so much too me.... Three little words that I so much wanted to hear.... Three little words that brightened my day.... Three little words that filled me with excitement and anticipation... LET'S GO GAMBLE!!!!! Next, of course was those three little words that causes men to cringe... Those three little words that causes men to shudder with fear... Those three little words that men most hate... YOU BRING MONEY??? Jane drove us to Station's casino. I wont go into details, but some of you may have ridden with her in past. (I still have cold chills and white knuckles thinking bout her driving.) At casino, things started out pretty good. We lost a little money to begin with, but when we were running low I hit roulette table. I had tripled my money when Barb sat down next to me wanting to try a system she had heard about for roulette table. So, I agreed to give it a shot. I ain?t going to explain system, but each time you loose you double your bet. It is supposed to be foolproof, but I ain?t never found anything yet that was Mark proof. I handed her some money and she bought some chips. Before I know it, she had $80.00 riding on one spin of wheel. Now, that might not be a lot of money in your eyes, but to me it is about three trips to beer can recycling place. The wheel spun and we both cringed and closed our eyes saying silent prayers to ancient gods of gambling. When we peeked we found WE WON!!!!