You’re A Mom, She’s A Mom: Being An Adult With Your ParentsWritten by Mimi Azoubel Daniel, MS, CEC
On one of her quarterly visits to see her grandson, my three-year-old son, my mother ignores available front seat of car, crowds into back next to car seat and promptly unwraps a lollipop. Feeling tension rising, I recall numerous conversations where I so proudly tell my mother how I keep sugar away from my son. “Mom, what are you doing? Haven’t you heard a word I said?” And so it starts. The struggle of being an adult with my parent. So much is written today about taking care of our parents as they age. Monitoring medical care, determining living arrangements and providing emotional support are new roles that we have taken on to help our parents age gracefully and with dignity. We are “Sandwich Generation,” growing number of adult children squeezed between needs of an aging parent and demands of our own children, spouses and careers. But not much is written about stage prior to this phase. That time when our parents are still healthy and active and still very much involved in our own lives. I am talking about that period of time when you, yourself, are an active adult, with a family and a husband and life of your very own. That is when struggle to be an adult with your parents begins. So, which Mom really knows best? As a Relationship Coach, I often hear, “My mother can get under my skin in less than 10 seconds.” After all these years, your parents can still find ways to throw you off-balance and resurrect old habits. They are your biggest fans and your harshest critics. And, whether we like to admit it or not, we continue to want their approval no matter how old, how independent or how successful we are. In short, your parent’s opinions remain extremely important. We want our Moms to respect our choices and admire lives that we created. After all, isn’t our success a reflection of their efforts as a mother? But sometimes, they seem so quick to criticize. So what can we do? Find New Ways to Connect As a fellow mother and wife, we assume that best way to connect with our mothers is on issues of parenting, family and marriage. However, these are often hot-bed issues which lead to unwanted advise. Discover other mutual interests to talk about and share. Talk about politics, take walks, meet at gym, garden together, go to movies or theater, bring your Mother to your job so she can see where you work and meet colleagues, join a book club. Enrich your relationship by finding other ways to connect and other issues to talk about. Create Boundaries We have all heard this, but what exactly does it mean? In an effort to be closer, we sometimes offer too much information. A small detail becomes a point of scrutiny. It is all right to answer our parents’ questions with limited information. Be proactive. Offer information about something you know your mother will ask about before she asks. This puts communication in your hands. Be clear with your mother. Do not expect her to know which areas she can comment on and which areas are off limits. It is your job as adult child to define limits. But be careful, here. You cannot go both ways. You cannot tell your mother that she cannot comment on your husband and then call her when you have a fight with him. Call a girlfriend. Find another network of support for that area.
| | Transitioning - Relaxed to NaturalWritten by Janice Johnson
TRANSITIONING: Going from relaxed hair to natural hair is a process that involves patience, love and dedication. This is time you decide you no longer want to relax your hair. At this point, you are "transitioning". During this period, proper care must be taken to care for your hair. It may be frustrating sometimes dealing with two textures – that’s why some opt for "the big chop". This is point where relaxed hair is completely removed. Depending on how much natural growth you have, this may mean shaving your head or if you have an inch or two of new growth, you can cut hair to point of new growth. This is known as a TWA (teeny weeny afro) - which looks great on most women! If "the big chop" or TWA are not options you’re willing to forgo, try to embrace your hair during transition period by practicing following tips: Take time and energy to care for your hair with right styling options. In order to hide two textures, you may opt for styles that require very little or no daily grooming like cornrows, braids, extensions, straw-sets or twist-outs. But, you must remember that during this transitioning period – LOVE YOUR HAIR! One of most important things to do is condition, condition, condition! Also, trim your hair gradually to get rid of straight ends. This also aids in helping hair avoid breakage. Another way to avoid breakage is to use a wide tooth comb, conditioning hair regularly, and by giving your hair a hot-oil deep conditioning treatment. This is essential to restore moisture and balance. Many women have sworn by this method and have said they have experienced very little breakage or no breakage at all. Remember when your hairdresser told you to make sure you don't wait too long for your next relaxer? (6-8 weeks was recommended time frame). Well, reason she/he said this was because when you relax hair, structure of hair is now modified. And depending on how straight your relaxed hair is this meant that hair structure was altered that much more.
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