Yes, You Can Survive Your Adolescent’s Challenging Years and Still Support Success in SchoolWritten by Barbara Snyder M.A. Ed.
Yes, You Can Survive Your Adolescent’s Challenging Years and Still Support Success in School by Barbara Snyder M.A. Ed. It is one of most understated comments that parents can make when they say, "Adolescence and middle school years are a challenging time." Oh, really. If you are viewing period of time between 10 through 14 years old as just a time to get through, you need to read on. Yes, it is a terribly difficult time in development of youngsters, but it can be a productive time in terms of parent/child relationship and school success. It is always tendency of parents to become less involved as children move up in grade levels in their school careers. Big mistake. In fact, it is very time to become more involved and make more of an impact on a youngster’s future than any other time.With many distractions and obstacles that present themselves as parents raise an adolescent, key phrase is, "…as parents raise an adolescent." It is trite and obvious to say that children don’t raise themselves, but it is true. You know old saying, "if left to their own devices, etc." Parents and families need to take advantage of their position and advance influence they can have on children. There are seven situations or circumstances to attend to, all being within sphere of control if parents spend time needed. The need is on-going, intense and sometimes frustrating. The secret is to have stamina and perseverance to stay course and to nurture and understand following: 1) Recognize and acknowledge adolescence changes; 2) Practice basics of being an effective parent; 3) Work hard on communication; 4) Encourage independence (with frequent monitoring); 5) Stay aware of friendships; 6) Oversee music, media, and movie choices; and 7) Stay involved in school and extracurricular activities. 1) Change is difficult. It is fairly normal for parents see their youngster all of sudden not motivated, rebellious and moody. During that adolescent stage from 10 to 14 years old, many physical and emotional changes can cause youngsters to begin to bend to peer pressure and to display a rainbow of emotions. It is a time when parents need to be patient and aware of how much their child needs love and support as child is, at same time, pushing them away. There is no simple formula. Parents need to remember that these changes and ways that a teen will develop comes from genetics, family support, friends, values, and other influences in society. 2) The practice of being an effective parent includes showing love, giving support, setting boundaries, being a good example, instilling responsibility, and demonstrating respect. Parents need to clarify and make their child understand that they will always love child, but not love what they do sometimes. A parent needs to be there to support, praise and encourage. However, there must be limits and boundaries that are a part of love and support. Parents must be good role models who set high standards for themselves and for their children. As children grow up they need to be given more and more responsibilities that are provided in a wide range of activities. Finally, one of most important actions is that of a parents showing respect to their child, who will return that respect to them and others. 3) How can parents best communicate with their child? This is a tough area to attend to, but it is a must. It is imperative that parents know where their child is and what activity he or she is engaged in. If a child knows that an adult is watching, risk of poor behavior is significantly diminished. It is a parent’s job to find out what will get a child to be open and talkative. The child should do most of talking, with parent doing a lot of listening. Finding a place at home that is relatively free from distraction is a plus because parent needs to give his or her full attention to this very important event. Also important is that a parent not over-react even in very serious situations, but rather a parent should lead child in problem solving situation. Finally, make sure communication allows for a youngster to talk about things that are meaningful. A child needs to be shown respect and kindness throughout communication process.
| | ViolenceWritten by Laurent Grenier
Flashes of memory stream into my consciousness. They take me back thirty years plus. I was a boy then, a newcomer to a poor and tough neighborhood. My parents, of moderate means and daring to a fault, had decided to move there after my father had accepted an editing job in federal government. They had taken a lease on a low-rent brick house, which was also run-down, covered in filth, and littered with trash. I do not mince my words: Previous tenants had been pigs that got along with bugs and rats.“The house has potential,” my mother had said to reassure me, seeing that I was aghast at its sordid aspects. Its one redeeming feature, besides its solid construction, was a large woody front yard, neglected, allowed to become a large dumping ground, as weedy as it was woody, but potentially attractive and pleasant, to be sure. My mother was a hard worker with a great deal of stamina, creativity, and tastefulness. She mastered art of doing wonders with little money. After three months of intense labor – which for first week involved a carpenter and two garbage collectors plus two dump trucks – house was transfigured, quite presentable, even nice, much to my amazement. It now contrasted sharply, cuttingly, with slums at rear of house and on left of it. On right was a school and at front, across street, was a nunnery on a large piece of land. My parents had conveniently focused their attention on these establishments, as if good education and good disposition of their teachers and sisters could shield us from evils of slums. Needless to say, they did not. Violence was rampant in this neck of woods and I was elected punchbag with only one dissenting vote: mine! At root of this violence was malevolence, which grows from resentment, after one has been subjected to mistreatment. As much as my family projected an image of distinction, neighborhood boys were malevolent and violent toward me. To them this image of distinction was an act of humiliation; their feelings were hurt and it was natural for them to hurt me. Of course it is a lot worthier to elevate oneself than to abase someone else. It is also a lot harder, and nature spontaneously levels everything easy way. Moral excellence relates to culture, is an acquired trait, by virtue of which a human is courageous and just, worthy of praise. One winter evening, I was crossing field next to rink where I had played hockey, when a gang of hoodlums encircled me like a pack of wolves. There were six of them, one of whom – a weakling who always relied on others to feel powerful – lived three doors down, east of my house, across back street. The leader stepped forward and turned around with a snicker. “Hey shithead, come and kiss my ass.” I was tempted to kick it, not kiss it. “No thanks. Please let me go; I don’t care for trouble.” As I was finishing my sentence, one of boys lunged toward me from behind and shoved me forward. I dropped my hockey equipment and braced myself to fight and suffer. I was big for my age, but big is small when outnumbered by six to one. Again leader took initiative; fight was on. With several thrusts, punches, and kicks, I repelled my assailants momentarily, until I was knocked and wrestled to ground. Fists and feet hit me everywhere, nonstop, from all directions. Suddenly I heard a menacing shout and everyone slipped in a last blow before fleeing. A brave and kind man had caught sight of their misdeed and chosen to intervene, armed with a hockey stick. I was hurt but saved. A few days later, still aching all over, I saw weakling, alone by his house – his hovel to be exact, which was covered with old imitation brick, torn in places, and infested with cockroaches, rats, and woodworms. His face was bruised and wet from weeping, as he screamed with rage, “Fucking bastard, fucking bitch, fucking life, fuck, fuck, fuck!” My anger was now tempered with compassion. I unclenched my fists, prompted by a desire to spare him. I could not demean myself to add pain to his pain, already so excessive that it overflowed in streams of tears and curses. His father was an illiterate and idle drunkard who collected welfare and spent considerable time and money at tavern. At home, slouching in an armchair, he forever watched TV and drank beer or liquor. When grossly intoxicated, he sometimes vomited before reaching bathroom and, without cleaning up his mess, fell unconscious on his bed, armchair, floor, or wherever. He was also vulgar and brutal. He often battered his son and his wife, and heaped insults on them. His wife was an abusive and sluggish woman who had grown obese from attempting to fill her inner void with chips, cookies, and pop. Day after day she wore same tattered nightgown and constantly found reasons for bawling out her son and swiping him. She drove him insane, then used this insanity as another reason for persecuting him. These two loathsome and pitiful parents rendered his life at home unbearable. He usually roamed streets with fellow-sufferers from similar – miserable and violent – backgrounds. Together they ganged up and took their resentment out on other kids such as me. My aggressors, first, were victims. My insight into origin of violence came to me at that time and has never left me. I saw then and still see a victim in every aggressor. Some say there is such a thing as gratuitous violence, committed by individuals whose youth was favorable to all appearances. Violence for sake of violence, an exercise in brutality at expense of others, without provocation, past or present? I beg to differ. Appearances are not a valid means of assessing someone’s youth, whose favorableness or unfavorableness is a subjective, not objective, matter. Circumstances have no value in themselves, but in relation to people who consider them favorably or not. Attitude is here only relevant concept. Also, brutality cannot be exercised at expense of others unless these others are viewed heartlessly as expendable. This heartlessness is greatly suspicious, unlikely to belong to someone who regards humans with favor, thanks to a feeling of solidarity, of mutual benefit.
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