While recently browsing through
Akashic Records of Universe, I discovered that greatest relationship advice counselor to have ever incarnated on Earth was Ughh, a caveman born in 123,566 B.C.My local Rent-A-Psychic outlet provided a channeler and now thanks to her unique talent, I am bringing you Ughh's eternal dating wisdom and answers to your dating and relationship questions.
1. Question:
I've been dating my current girlfriend for 23 years. She's 45 and I'm 48. She tells me she needs her own space and has taken time off and on to find herself. Lately I've realized I'd like to get married and have children but she is still telling me she is not yet ready for committment and needs to get her head together before settling down.
What should I do?
Answer:
When a woman takes meat from you, spreads her legs but returns to skins of her mother and father, she is telling you that either meat you fed her or meat between your legs did not fill her up. Let another hunter feed her cubs.
Find a girl who is a good cook and has a fast hand for catching grasshoppers. Feed hot heart of an antelope to her mother and father and liver to her. Then, if she tries to crawl back under bearskin of her mother and father, they will kick her until she returns to you.
After you have fed her five antelope livers or winds of Gods have planted a cub in her womb, she will remain yours until walls of ice to north melt.
2. Question
I am 35 years old and have not had a second date since college. The women tell me I'm too nice of a guy for them and they just want to be friends.
What should I do?
Answer:
You must be a lazy hunter. When women see you sleeping in sun every day living on grass instead of bringing back strings of rabbits and squirrels, they curse your manhood and rightly so.
If you want a woman you must prove you can feed her and her cubs.
If your cave has no available females, capture one from another tribe.
If your heart is too small and your bowels too loose for that, resign yourself to sleeping cold until you die.
3. Question
I'm a girl who loves to go to raves. I used to go home only with guys, but lately I've been bi-curious with other girls and I'm getting confused. Am I a lesbian or is it just Ecstasy?
Answer:
Life is short. Many women die young in childbirth. Many men die young in hunting accidents or war parties. Everybody can die young from starvation, winter cold and disease.
When a woman's husband is gored by a wild pig and she has three cubs and other hunters in cave already have as many wives and cubs as they can feed, it can be good for that woman to share her skins with a hunting woman or he-girl.
