Terry Dashner

“’If you are ever tempted to say a word or to do a thing that shall put a bar between you and your family, your home, and your country, pray God in his mercy to take you that instant home to his own heaven. Stick by your family, boy; forget you have a self—while you do everything for them. Think of your home, boy; write and send, and talk about it. Let it be nearer and nearer to your thought, farther you have to travel from it and rush back to it, when you are free…’

“‘And for your country, boy,’ and words rattled in his throat, ‘and for flag,’ and he pointed to ship, ’never dream a dream but of serving her as she bids you, though service carry you through a thousand hells. No matter what happens to you, no matter who flatters you or who abuses you, never look at another flag, never let a night pass but you pray God to bless that flag. Remember, boy, that behind all these men you have to do with, behind officers, and government, and people even, there is Country Herself, your Country, and that you belong to Her as you belong to your own mother. Stand by Her, boy, as you would stand by your mother…’”

I’ve decided to go public with my intentions: I will not be asking Ann Coulter for a date. There are some good reasons.

First, I’m married. Second, there is a substantial age differential. And, third, I fear rejection.

While reading Coulter’s book, How to Talk to Liberals (If You Must), I thought about prospects.

A single, middle-aged guy who’s still trying to look like he’s in his 20s would make a perfect match. But before you pick up phone to pop question, there are some things you need to know.

Keep in mind, for example, that Ann Coulter is relatively good looking. “Relative to what?” you ask. “A ’58 Buick? Tapioca? Phyllis Schlafly?"

Yes.

You’ll also want to know that Coulter was born and raised in Bubba Belt. That’s important. Not because she’s Ann Coulter, but because it’s a date. Any guy who’s opened door for feminist, been called a chauvinist and then jabbed with an upper right (knee) knows all about this. Coulter is no feminist. You will open door for her. And if you don’t, you may get jabbed with an upper right.

And that brings me to another announcement. Thursday, April 1, all women of world are to meet in my living room. If you are a feminist, you will be tattooed with an X on your forehead. If you are not a feminist, you will be marked with an O. That will end door-opening offenses for women and considerable pain for men.

Back to our date with Coulter.

You will pick her up at her stylish Washington, D.C. apartment, say, 5ish. When you first see flow of long blond hair covering left-side of her face, you may want to raise your eyebrows twice. That’s body language. It means “hubba-hubba” in Bubbaland. However, significance of left-face covering should not be noticed. Just gaze into her gorgeous right eyeball.

The preferred date for evening will be NBA game. The Indiana Pacers will be playing Detroit Bullets-oops-Pistons. Granted, it’s an unlikely event in Washington, but this is an imaginary date. Don’t get excited.

Small talk in route to event will be in order. You will notice Coulter loves words that no one can use or understand, except for her and William F. Buckley, Jr. The most common is “felonious.” According dictionary.com, word is defined as “adj., relating to anyone Ann Coulter finds disagreeable.”