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Title: Why So Much Infidelity? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 827 Category: Relationships

WHY SO MUCH INFIDELITY? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Megan contacted me for counseling because she had just found out that her husband, Jim, was having an affair. Although she was feeling hurt and angry, she didn’t feel justified in getting too hurt and angry because she had also been having an affair.

Megan told me that she and Jim still loved each other and they didn’t want to break up their family, but her discovery of his affair took her out of denial. She had been able to rationalize her affair to herself, but she couldn’t rationalize Jim’s. She had to acknowledge that something was really wrong. She was worried that this meant end of their relationship.

I assured Megan that affairs were not problem but a symptom of problem. It did not need to mean end of relationship. She and Jim could decide to learn about deeper problems in their relationship and eventually create a much more satisfying relationship.

As a counselor, I hear this story over and over. Why is there so much infidelity?

Megan and Jim entered their marriage, as most people do, with expectation that other person would make them happy. They entered feeling some emptiness, unworthiness and insecurity, hoping their partner would fill them, validate them and complete them. Yet as time went on, neither felt happy, secure, filled or complete. They began to look elsewhere. Perhaps someone else – someone more attentive and more emotionally available, or sexier, or more playful would fill emptiness, validate their worth, and make them happy.

The problem lies in how most people in our society view what makes them happy. Any TV commercial will illuminate underlying problem:

All right folks, it’s time for a wake-up call. Are you ready for a relationship or not? Do you even want to be in a relationship? During past few years I have been teaching classes for singles. The problem I have observed most often is people who are dating but aren’t prepared for a relationship. The complaints I hear go something like this:

Jill: I’ve been dating Jack for two months now and finally he tells me that he’s not ready for a relationship.

Friend: So what did you say?

Jill: Nothing -- other than tell him that he was a big jerk.

Friend: Oh!

Jill: I mean, can’t guys get a clue? Hello! If you are really not ready for a relationship, don’t date me for two months and call me every day only to tell me later that you aren’t ready for a relationship! I just don’t get guys.

Such dialogues are common. Perhaps you have been on receiving end of such a relationship or perhaps you have been on giving end. Whatever be case, may I give you a suggestion? Look in mirror and decide if you have what it takes to be in a relationship. Questions you might want to ask yourself would be:

a) Am I prepared for a long-term relationship? Or do I want to date lots of people? If you know answer to this question, don’t be bashful—tell people you are dating what you are looking for.

b) If Mr. or Ms. Right came by today, would I let them into my life or would I ask them to wait until I had dealt with personal issues (e.g. like getting a divorce, putting my finances in order, or ending another relationship that I am not sure I want to end)?