There’s a piece circulating
Internet now called “When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking.” It’s attributed to “a former child,” so I don’t know whom to credit. It begins with, “When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my painting on refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.” It’s about things we inadvertently ‘teach’ our kids.Its many examples show we teach not what we know, but who we are, which is as true in workplace as it is in home, regardless of age of participants. It pertains to emotional intelligence, which I coach, which includes competency of Intentionality – doing what you intend to do.
EQ means understanding emotions (yours and others’), being able to manage and express them appropriately, and understanding effect you have on others. Like learning about pride in work in example above, we can’t learn EQ just by reading about it. We can’t ‘get it’ by listening to someone else talk about it. We need to see it in action. We also need to put something out there and observe results. To learn, we need to have pointed out to us what is going on, during and after fact, because emotional component can fog our thinking.
You are being watched, yes, and you are also being misinterpreted.
INTERPRETING NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR
Whatever we are trying to teach our children, or those around us, it isn’t stretching a point to say that a child could misinterpret hanging of a painting on refrigerator. You never know how a child is going to put things together, just as you never know how another adult will. One little fellow in my household was incensed that I had hung his painting on refrigerator, not proud. In ensuing discussion, it turned out he thought if I’d really liked it, I would’ve framed it and hung it on wall. “That’s for babies,” he said, pointing at refrigerator.
I watched a scene other day in workplace, where a boss had foisted a stiff deadline on her assistant. The assistant looked intense as she started job, then had to move to another desk when computer locked up.
The boss started massaging her shoulders, saying, “I hate to stress you this way.”
The assistant had sensitive neck muscles, so massage caused pain instead of relief. It was also distracting. Also, because of statement, she had to worry about her boss’ feelings as well as her own plus do job.
The assistant turned, drew a deep breath and said, with a big smile on her face, “I appreciate massage, but it hurts and it’s distracting. I’m trying to concentrate. I’m not angry at being asked to do this, and not angry at you. What I am is frustrated because ..” and she listed chronic computer inadequacies. “What would help,” she said, “is if you would …” and gave her boss something concrete to do that would forward task.
Later, when job was finished, they took up conversation again. “I like to shine,” assistant said, “and I can’t when I don’t have proper equipment.”
The boss made a note to address that problem.
PROCESSING EMOTIONALLY-LADEN EVENTS
The same scenario is played out daily in every office. There’s no way two people won’t be affected by feelings of other; and, counter-intuitively, if one is trying to hide feelings, effect is even greater. The less they’re expressed, more they’ll be open to misinterpretation.
We can’t know what’s going on with someone else unless we ask. In today’s multicultural offices, it’s particularly dangerous to assume meaning of an action, gesture or expression. Did you know that in Middle East, one of most insulting things you can do is show another person sole of your shoe? Tell that to lawyer whose office I entered other day, who routinely talks on phone with his feet on desk, soles pointing toward incoming visitor!
