When I first talked to her, she described a good job, a supportive spouse, a good set of friends, and some interesting hobbies. She had even just returned from a vacation, but fact it hadn’t refreshed her caused her to call for coaching. She wanted to brainstorm on what was going on and what she could do differently.

“What did you think about when you were on vacation?” I asked her. It seemed a good place to start.

“What I should’ve done before I left home,” she replied, and went on to describe a long list of things that had piled up at home – a garage that needed cleaning, a lawn that had been neglected, files at work and at home that hadn’t been taken care of, and a whole backlog of things that needed attending to.

“I thought a vacation was what I needed,” she said, “you know to get some rest. But it didn’t work.”

Mary’s on to something there. Sometimes you’ll gain more energy by expending it to take care of what you need to!

Yes, our lifestyles are busy today, but, assuming you’re taking care of your physical health, sleeping 8 hours, eating right, taking supplements and working out, there’s a source of stress you may have been overlooking.

There’s nothing so fatiguing as something you’re supposed to have done and haven’t done. In other words, those chores and tasks on to-do list. This can be one large thing, or a number of small things. In fact size of task doesn’t matter; they all create about same amount of fatigue in your brain.

When you have something nagging at you like this, it’s a continual drain of energy. Why? Because it tugs at our emotions. You’re reminded you need to do task and immediately feel guilty, lazy, angry at yourself, or any number of other negatives thoughts about yourself. These are energy-draining in short-term and detrimental in long-term.

Maybe you cry, maybe you lash out, maybe you stammer, maybe you pout or roll your eyes in disgust, maybe you sit, moony-eyed and tongue-tied or say exactly what you meant not to say, and through it all you realize nothing you’re doing is helping anything. Where is your brain when you need it most?

When we’re under strong emotions, our brains turn to mush. What is going on?

Why This Happens

What happens is we’re under threat. That’s how our primitive brain is taking it anyway, one that’s there to preserve us in short-term, and is not thinking about things in long-term. Our thinking brain (neocortex) has been disabled.

When emotions surge, out reptilian, or primitive brain, has taken over. This brings with it physiological responses that affect us – your head is pounding, your pulse is raising, your blood pressure goes up, you have trouble breathing and your stomach is in knots. Your body is on full alert to protect you from a threat. It doesn’t want you to think, it wants you to act – fight or flight. And reason you’re feeling this way is you fear same things are going to happen to you – you’ll either be abandoned or attacked.

What You Can Do

What can you do when you’re in this state? Well, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. These emotional states are part of life. We welcome positive states, and dislike negatives states, and both are going to happen. Polishing up on your emotional intelligence competencies can help you understand these states better and deal with them more constructively.

Your thinking brain is still around, if you can learn how to access it. You’re probably familiar with such recommended techniques as taking a deep breath and counting to 10, or taking a time-out, or self-soothing techniques. And if you’re like me, at time these pressured-events occur, being told to take a deep breath is like being told to take a warm bath when you’ve just lost your job. It doesn’t work for you unless groundwork has been laid.

What Else Can You Do?

Work on this proactively. When you understand better your own feelings and how they work, and how to express them appropriately (because not all of them need be expressed), you’re prepared.

Emotional Intelligence starts with self-awareness. Start by getting in touch with your own feelings. Check in with yourself several times a day. This is not “How are you?” “Fine,” sort of interchange. Ask yourself how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Then answer yourself!

You’re Angry … and What Else?