What to Look for in the Person You Marry

Written by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach

Keely is 30 and has been married for about 6 months. Last time we talked, she was expressing dissatisfaction withrepparttar man she’d married. They had disagreements over political issues that were influencing where they shopped, where he worked, and what TV shows they watched. She was wondering if she should’ve gotten married at all.

“Why did you marry him?” I asked her, and there was a long silence. Finally, “Because I was in love with him?” she replied, and it came out as a question. “I guess I never thought about that,” she added.

Because I coach people, I hearrepparttar 146791 many different reasons why people marryrepparttar 146792 people they do, but it often comes out in terms of unmet expectations. When we aren’t clear about what we want out of marriage, regardless ofrepparttar 146793 person involved, and don’t check things our beforehand, it can lead to heartbreak.

What we expect from marriage is deeply ingrained is us, from our families of origin, and from our culture. You may come from a background that assumesrepparttar 146794 man will berepparttar 146795 provider, andrepparttar 146796 woman will take care ofrepparttar 146797 house, and both spouses will take an active part in child-rearing -- not just wiping noses, but training, values and character development. If you marry someone whose expectations arerepparttar 146798 same, things will go fairly smoothly.

But what if you’re a man withrepparttar 146799 above expectations, who marries a woman who comes from a family whererepparttar 146800 women all had active and successful careers, and also took major responsibility forrepparttar 146801 upbringing ofrepparttar 146802 children, wanting only forrepparttar 146803 man to provide his portion of their upkeep, but to stay out ofrepparttar 146804 training?

There are many expectations we have about marriage, and we might as well call them emotional needs, because if they aren’t met we aren’t going to be very happy. It can destroyrepparttar 146805 love we initially had forrepparttar 146806 person. The better you can define these assumed needs to yourself, and torepparttar 146807 person you’re considering marrying,repparttar 146808 betterrepparttar 146809 chances of finding someone who feelsrepparttar 146810 same way.

Vocabulary is very important here. I hear many men, for instance, saying they want “companionship.” Fred said that in his second wife he wanted “companionship,” and he fell in love with Lisa. Lisa wanted companionship too. The trouble arose when it turned out companionship meant to Lisa someone to talk to, share ideas, feelings and thoughts with, and relate closely intellectually and emotionally, with lots of open conversation, and to Fred, it meant recreational companionship. He wanted someone to sail, bike ride and play tennis with him, and without a lot of talking. Lisa and Fred both wanted someone they could hang out with, butrepparttar 146811 nature of that hanging out was very different, and, ultimately unbridgeable.

Inrepparttar 146812 meantime, there can be those stalemate fights that turn into imbroglios, whererepparttar 146813 man yells atrepparttar 146814 woman, “But I want companionship (play golf with me)” andrepparttar 146815 woman yells back, “But I’m giving you companionship. (I love to talk to you)” Or she says, “I wanted you to help raiserepparttar 146816 children” (teach them) and he replies, “Well I earn allrepparttar 146817 money, don’t I?”

Some of things we expect from a marriage include: recreational companionship, intellectual companionship, physical affection, verbal affection, esteem, admiration, respect, financial support, domestic support, intense emotional relating (which is also called “companionship”), sexual fulfillment, working toward idealistic goals (such as political activism), fidelity, one who prefers to lead or to be led, good looks, athletic ability, a genetic parent for your children, and so forth. Define as well how you want these manifested. Admiration can be silent or vocalized. Affection can be physical or verbal.

Do You Want to Just Survive or Thrive? (part one)

Written by Jayce McMeeken

You’ve probably heard this, or maybe you will relate to this personally. Have you ever arrived somewhere and wondered, “How did I get here?” or “Why am I here?”

Have you ever wondered if you’ve missedrepparttar boat (with your family on it)?

Life is a battle that must be fought if there is to be a favorable outcome for you, as well as those around you that countrepparttar 146790 most. But often, we are fighting battles that don’t lead to a desirable outcome, a dream or an ambition realized.

They are reactive wars that are based on barely surviving.

Do you want to just survive or thrive?

For me, thriving offers an alternative way of living that brings abundant outcomes.

Let’s face it. We all have a basic survival instinct and so it doesn’t matter how tough life gets… as humans we survive. Like many people, I used to save my head off and forgo life’s “material pleasures” which byrepparttar 146791 way - have no substance.

I’m talking about nice cars, houses, televisions, furniture… it’s all based on fake reality.

Anyway, we struggled and battled and fought to save money so we could get ahead a bit faster. Get ahead to where?

That wasrepparttar 146792 question that I started to ask myself. “What does it all mean? Who cares if I have all these “nice things” to play with? Surely that’s not what life is supposed to be about?” The endless fight that we were fighting was not bringing usrepparttar 146793 real stuff that counted.

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