Let’s talk about this sort of offending occurrence – not a direct attack about you in particular, or some sort of feedback, construed to be “positive,” where a quick reply is in order, but sort of passive affront that sometimes occurs.

What do you do when someone says something offensive?

If it occurred in workplace, and could be construed as harassment, you might have certain legal rights, but they certainly don’t extend to a public recreational area. Laws define what a society considers unacceptable but they never stop them, otherwise there would be no murders. Furthermore, you’d be surprised at what law considers “harassment.” So, let’s move this to individual and emotional level.

It’s a sad fact of life that you don’t have a global right not to be offended, but corollary is, no one can offend you unless you agree to it.

You’re more likely to be offended, more truth there is to what they say, in reference to you, and it can be a clue to look into your issues. I live in Texas, where for some people Civil War is still being fought, and it used to bother me when someone would make a reference to Northerners being “cold” and “unfriendly.” The more I’ve learned to express my warmth and friendliness in ways recognizable to Texans and more importantly, to be comfortable in my own skin, less those comments bother me. Now I can just smile and think, “not me,” while before I had to wonder how I was coming across.

As philosopher Epictetus wrote many years ago, “It is not he who gives abuse that affronts, but view that we take of it as insulting; so that when one provokes you it is your own opinion which is provoking.”

You can learn not to take offense. One of people I learned this through was Jewish physician sitting at an Ecumenical conference I attended where someone stood up and talked about Christmas, then caught himself, and turned to physician and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you.”

The doctor smiled and replied, very, very gently, “Me? You can’t offend me.”

That rather puts shoe on other foot.

I will occasionally defend myself as part of group under attack, like time my neighbor – and I don’t know what he was thinking – started in about apartment complex to be built in vacant acreage behind our houses. “It will be full of single parents with out-of-control kids, who don’t take care of their property,” he ranted.

“I’m a single parent,” I said. “And my kids aren’t out-of-control and I take care of my property.” One might just as well reply, “I’m XXX and I don’t beat my wife,” or “I have a good friend who’s from XXX, and he’s very friendly.” You can always point out one example you know that’s different. No generalization applies to anything and everything, and people who think that way need to have their thinking correcting. If only at intellectual level.

This is a story about a woman we will call Anne, a thirty-five-year-old woman who concluded that she could never find a man. She determined that loneliness was her fate and thus went as far as accepting it as fact. Her case proves what I have discovered in advising single men and women: it does not matter what your circumstances are, every man or woman can and is able to find a happy relationship or reach their potential by making right choices.

Anne was a very beautiful and educated woman. Beneath her beauty were a lot of problems that I never imagined. She had grown up in a family where she was led to believe that no man would ever want her. She was best looking and best educated among her family members. Yet for many years she worked in family business for minimum wage. The sad part was she was willing to work under those terms until day she died, because she had accepted that she was black sheep of family.

One of ideas I suggested to Anne, to help her to stop thinking she would never find love, was to start dating. But she was even afraid to date. When suggestion was made, Anne declined, saying, “But who wants me? No man will date a woman like me.” I tried my very best to let Anne know that she was a very attractive woman. All she needed to do was believe there was a man out there for her.

She was so concerned that no man would accept her, thought of having to start dating made her cry. I personally began feeling sorry for her. I could not understand why she was so afraid to venture outside. I finally reached a point where only choice I had left in my attempt to help Anne was to give her an ultimatum. I told her: “Anne, you can do it. I am willing to help you but if you are going to come to me for advice, only to make one excuse after other, then why bother? Don’t waste my time. Anne, you must try. Give guys a chance to take you out at least in daytime. If you are concerned, tell someone about your date, your date’s name and phone number, where you will be going and what time you should be arriving home.

“Don’t let your date pick you up from your mom’s house,” I told her. “Meet him somewhere in open. This way he does not know where you live and you will not have to worry about him coming to look for you.” I proceeded to tell Anne that unless she was willing to try, I didn’t see any reason why she should continue coming to me for help.