What the Matter IsWritten by Skye Thomas
When my oldest boy was really young, he tickled my mother with that phrase. I would ask him, "What's matter?" and he would answer me, "Well, what matter is..." followed by whatever it was that he needed to discuss with me. He would say it with that very serious face that children get when they are expecting to be taken very seriously. We all loved cute way he prefaced his concerns. I overheard my daughter talking to my two year old other day and it caused me to remember those days long ago when her older brother used to talk about 'what matter is.' At thirteen, Sissy is a natural healer and nurturer. She hovers over her baby brother kissing all of his owies and making sure that life is gentle and kind to him. We have many debates over just how much mothering is smothering, but that's another topic for another day. What caught my attention that day was that while our little Buddha Napoleon was whining and grumbling in his two year old lingo, she was continually asking him, "What's wrong?" She repeatedly asked it in most loving and dear voice. "What's wrong?" You could definitely tell that she was genuinely concerned and wanted to know what was bothering him and how could she help. "What's wrong?" Over and over she asked him, "What's wrong?" as he babbled incoherently at her about something that was obviously 'wrong' in his world. I found myself getting really annoyed. But why? I began thinking about why that question repeated in such a sugar coated voice was bothering me so deeply. Then it hit me. This is core of where we learn to think that something is wrong with our lives. It's that question asked of us since cradle. "What's wrong?" That gets us thinking that something is actually wrong. I told her to shift her question to "What's matter?" I told her that it means same as "What's topic?" She could also say, "Tell me why you are upset." Or ask him "Why are you crying?" She could also ask him, "How can I help?" Make conversation about topic or event without actually assuming that something in life must be 'wrong'. Just because we are upset or frustrated doesn't mean that life is wrong. Asking someone, "What's wrong?" immediately puts them into mind frame of describing what is wrong with their circumstances. They focus only on negative and not on problem solving or solutions. They aren't focused on their own role in creating situation. By asking someone, "What's wrong?" we are doing them a disservice. We are sending them down wrong path. The goal should be to guide them towards finding peace within moment, towards finding solutions, towards self esteem and other things that help them move through difficult times in their life. Funny thing words, such power can come from a small shift in vocabulary. My personal favorite is to ask, "So tell me, what do you need?" Another favorite is, "So, what do you want to do about it?" This immediately puts them into a place of looking at a future where negative circumstances is no longer perceived as such. What skills and tools would help them to overcome their problem? These types of questions also open up door so that I can also propose that they might need to make a shift in attitude towards problem or person bothering them. From that point, we can begin to take inventory of what skills and tools they already posses. We can begin looking at how to implement changes they want to see. We can also begin brainstorming for ways to manifest whatever skills or tools they might need to acquire. It's a very solution oriented question. Quite often, I don't end up doing much of anything to actually fix their problem. Mostly, I just pose right questions to get their minds moving in a different direction other than being angry or hurt by their experiences. If they really need my help, then naturally I roll up my sleeves and pitch in, but rarely do they need anything more than a different attitude and approach to life's ups and downs.
| | Don't Cook The Trees - Barbecue SafetyWritten by Les Brand
My first experience of a barbecue was as a seventeen year old at a friend's house. His farther, Douglas, was an expert at barbecuing, with many years experience, we thought! It was a hot summers day but with a light breeze, so Douglas, with all that experience, decided to erect a cardboard frame about one foot high around three sides of barbecue. The barbecue grill itself, which was fuelled with charcoal, was positioned next to, and underneath, some trees in back garden. Not having seen a barbecue being lit before I was keen to watch, and moved in closer. Douglas placed firelighters in grate, set fire to them and arranged charcoal in a pyramid over them. A number of years later I found out that this was classic way to light a barbecue. Now, Douglas, in an attempt to speed up process uncovered his secret weapon and enthusiastically said "Lighter fuel, this will have barbecue going in seconds!" With poise of a highly trained swordsman, Douglas sent a jet of lighter fuel through air and across whole length of barbecue. Douglas was right! The barbecue erupted into flame. I was very impressed. Unfortunately, seconds later so did cardboard frame and then surrounding trees! Luckily there were enough of us there to safely put out flames and to carry on with barbecue.
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