What is Abuse?

Written by Sam Vaknin


Violence inrepparttar family often follows other forms of more subtle and long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.

It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption, intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality, spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviours, suicide, andrepparttar 111334 onset of mental health disorders.

Most abusers and batterers are males - but a significant minority are women. This being a "Women's Issue",repparttar 111335 problem was swept underrepparttar 111336 carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public awareness. Yet, even today, society - for instance, throughrepparttar 111337 court andrepparttar 111338 mental health systems - largely ignores domestic violence and abuse inrepparttar 111339 family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt inrepparttar 111340 victims and "legitimizes"repparttar 111341 role ofrepparttar 111342 abuser.

Violence inrepparttar 111343 family is mostly spousal - one spouse beating, raping, or otherwise physically harming and torturingrepparttar 111344 other. But children are also and often victims - either directly, or indirectly. Other vulnerable familial groups includerepparttar 111345 elderly andrepparttar 111346 disabled.

Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social and economic strata. It is common amongrepparttar 111347 rich andrepparttar 111348 poor,repparttar 111349 well-educated andrepparttar 111350 less so,repparttar 111351 young andrepparttar 111352 middle-aged, city dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.

Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control.

There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless – is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witnessrepparttar 111353 abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

Overt Abuse

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Covert or Controlling Abuse

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in whichrepparttar 111354 abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, masteringrepparttar 111355 environment – human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction torepparttar 111356 remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" – another form of control.

Torepparttar 111357 abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke inrepparttar 111358 abuserrepparttar 111359 realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is notrepparttar 111360 centre ofrepparttar 111361 world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

Torepparttar 111362 abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements inrepparttar 111363 abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it,repparttar 111364 abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

Unpredictability and Uncertainty

The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves to render others dependent uponrepparttar 111365 next twist and turn ofrepparttar 111366 abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst, denial, or smile.

The abuser makes sure that HE isrepparttar 111367 only reliable element inrepparttar 111368 lives of his nearest and dearest – by shatteringrepparttar 111369 rest of their world through his seemingly insane behaviour. He perpetuates his stable presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.

TIP

Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Disproportional Reactions

One ofrepparttar 111370 favourite tools of manipulation inrepparttar 111371 abuser's arsenal isrepparttar 111372 disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage torepparttar 111373 slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).

A Night of Friendly Fright

Written by Arleen M. Kaptur


Halloween - an opportunity for family and friends to get together and have some fun - There are some inexpensive but fun ways to enjoyrepparttar spookiest night ofrepparttar 111333 year, no matterrepparttar 111334 age. Whether young or old, have fun, make memories, and enjoy food and friendship. Little ones can have some very pleasant surprises without being scared, and older guests, friends, and family can separaterepparttar 111335 fantasy fromrepparttar 111336 real and enjoy themselves too. The real "treat" is being together and sharing - design and make your own costumes one evening just before Halloween - make a whole town of "pumpkin" people from "small" citizens right up torepparttar 111337 "grand" marshall -repparttar 111338 big pumpkin that needs three "citizens" to move it from place to place - roast and eat pumpkin seeds, make taffy apples, colored popcorn, pumpkin pie, cinnamon doughnuts, apple cider, s'mores around a bonfire - in essence - allrepparttar 111339 bounty of flavors and colors that Autumn brings - have a party - play/laugh, make believe and stick your hands into unseen bowls of - I can't tell or I'll spoilrepparttar 111340 fun - but you'll find out when you turn onrepparttar 111341 lights - decorate with cobwebs, colored lights, briming cauldrons of dry ice, and flying bats overhead. *** How about a Trick or Treat Supper just before venturing out to see if yo can outsmart all those creatures that go bump inrepparttar 111342 night: Menu: Crown Roast of Franks(enstein), Boston Baked Beans, Witch's Brew, Hoot Owl Cookies. Appetizer: A big bowl of tomato soup with eyeballs (tiny onions) and spooky salad -

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