Title: What You Judge Won’t Budge Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 800 Category: Personal Growth, Emotional Healing

WHAT YOU JUDGE WON’T BUDGE By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Sheila was stuck. Even though she was trying to hard to change some things in her behavior - especially her anger and her clutter, she found herself doing these things over and over. Then she would get upset with herself, telling herself she was stupid and incompetent.

How often do you tell yourself that you are wrong, bad, inadequate, unworthy, a jerk, stupid, and so on? I’ve found, in many years I’ve been counseling, that most people are frequently inwardly judgmental. Many of us believe that if we judge ourselves, we can get ourselves to do things differently - to do them "right." And if we do them right, then others will like us. Underlying this is false belief that doing things right is a way to control how others feel about us and treat us.

Most of us are taught, from time we are very little, that we CAUSE other people to feel and behave way they do. We are taught by our parents, teachers and other caregivers that we cause others to feel angry, scared, hurt, rejected, or loving and accepting. In case of Sheila, she was taught that if she did poorly in school, she caused her parents to be angry. Their anger was her fault. In other words, she was IN CONTROL of her parents feelings and reactions because her behavior caused their feelings and reactions. Her behavior caused them to be angry and reject her.

Now, as an adult, Sheila believes that she causes others to accept or reject her, or to feel happy or unhappy with her. She believes that if she can just do things "right" enough, she can be in control of others being happy with her and accepting her. We explored this in one of our sessions.

"Sheila," I asked, "Do you think others are in control of how you feel about them?"

"Recently at a staff meeting, several very young staff people joked, whispered and laughed among themselves during a short presentation given by a new intern. She was so upset she was in tears later. This hasn’t been addressed by management, but some professional conduct tips would be great.

"I have heard this is rampant at schools and on campuses. How do you get message of respect across?”

Poor behavior during a presentation keeps anyone from learning anything. Public speaking is not really for amateurs, and in situations like this, which are almost “learning labs” it's reprehensible to just throw a novice to wolves-- and today's multicultural audience can be “the wolves,” because there is no longer an accepted standard of behavior we can rely on. An accomplished speaker knows how to show (if not declare) what protocol is in this place, at this time, and with this person.

Until speaker can learn how to be one (see my eBook, "Speaking with Emotional Intelligence" - http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html ) leader should pass around audience protocol at a staff meeting, or before a talk, and then be there to introduce newbie speaker in a way that lends her authority.

She can also announce there will be a test afterwards. People who act like children shouldn't fuss at being treat like children.

HERE ARE THE 10 RULES FOR BEING A GOOD AUDIENCE:

1. Arrive on time and take your seat.

Sit still with both feet planted on floor or legs crossed. Keep your hands below your shoulders, Minimize any movement; it’s discourteous to others.

2. Do not get up and move around during talk unless told to do so. Remain seated until presentation is over.

If you must leave to go to restroom, do not re-enter room until there is a break, or take a seat quietly at back of room.

3. Do not assume presentation is “interactive.”