Think back for a moment on
major and minor disappointments in your life. The reason they’re disappointments is because they didn’t live up to your expectations. You had something in mind that didn’t happen, or you wanted something you didn’t get. You also had made up your mind – if you think about it – that it was going to be horrible if you didn’t get it. You wanted job and you didn’t get it, so you were disappointed. If you hadn’t wanted job, you would’ve been overjoyed not to get it!
Also if you think back on disappointments in your life, I’m sure you’ll find that in at least some instances, things turned out for best. You didn’t get job you were aspiring for, but you got a better one in end. Or man you were dating broke up with you and you were sad, but then your found a better partner. Or you really didn’t want to leave Amherst, Massachusetts and move to Lillian, Alabama, but once you got there you found it was its own version of paradise.
All of this is saying that we can’t always be sure at time whether things are for best or not, and its our expectation that we must have it this way or we’ll be devastated is what’s making us miserable.
When you do this, you are setting up and either/or situation. You have arranged your expectations, and future of your happiness on a proposition such as this: If I get this, I’ll be happy. If I don’t, I’ll be devastated.
As great poet John Milton wrote, “The mind is its own place, and in itself, Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
Now a more emotionally intelligent way to handle these things is not to lower your expectations, but to broaden them. By using emotional intelligence competencies such as resilience, creativity and flexibility, you can manage your emotions more effectively.
A simple example of this would be planning a vacation. Most of us put effort, time and money into planning our vacations, all of which are precious to us, and so we may find ourselves expecting it to be perfect. If you do this, you are automatically setting yourself up for disappointment.
However, if you keep your expectations realistic and in line, you cushion yourself against extremes. It’s quite possible to have an enjoyable vacation that meets your needs (rest, rejuvenation, fun, adventure or whatever you’re after) and not have every detail fall exactly into place.
One of most important things to do is to remain positive. Expect best, and avoid going into a downward spiral, or taking it out on yourself, if it isn’t.
If, on this vacation, you aren’t able to take excursion you wanted to, you will feel better if
1.You don’t blame yourself. Yes, you could’ve booked excursion earlier, but tour people could also have allowed for more guests to participate, yes?
