In other words, we want to be able to protect and take care of ourselves, but to also be able to enjoy healthy relationships. We want choice. What is appropriate for an intimate relationship is different than a work relationship, and what we ‘allow’ from our child is different than what we would allow with a peer or partner.

Let’s take a look at these two terms – boundaries and codependence – in terms of new field of Emotional Intelligence.

A boundary as “something (a line, point or plane) that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” We could look at it, in interpersonal relationships, as “the line between you and me.” Knowing where you leave off and other person begins, but not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. “Co-dependence” is apparently what happens when those lines get blurred.

And recalling back to Government 101 and definition of “freedom” – “Your right to extend your fist ends at my nose.”

It’s for sure we need to be able to protect and take care of ourselves, but we also need to allow people into our lives intimately. The boundary can serve as a protection, but if not used properly, it becomes a prison.

SOME TYPES OF BOUNDARIES

A Line

Probably this happened to you at one time or other in your life, particularly if you shared a room with a sibling. You drew a line down room and declared “This is MY side. You stay on YOUR side.” It may have been a real line, or it may have been imaginary. It was territorial – a way to take care of your things, and lessen fighting.

A Wall

Hadrian’s Wall is a famous boundary. One of greatest monuments to power that was Rome, it ran for 73 miles across open country between what is now Scotland and UK (http://www.aboutscotland.com/hadrian/wall.html ). Ordered by Emperor Hadrian, it was designed to keep Celts back, to separate “barbarians” from Romans. It was a ‘line’ between two territories and people, but being 10 Roman feet wide, and about 30 feet tall (as best I can tell), it was far more substantial than a line in sand, or a piece of string across a bedroom.

A Picket Fence

Now, in terms of interpersonal relationships and “boundaries,” I prefer something more like a picket fence. Why? Because I don’t want a Hadrian’s wall in my life. The good guys couldn’t get across it, but it’s not likely to stop bad guys.

The line? Well, I roomed with a sister, and she could still yell at me across line, and torment me in other ways. In fact it was great fun for both of us to reach across line.

A picket fence appeals to me because it has intervals, and could be protective “enough.” It would be a nice pleasant sign that I wanted to be treated well. I always picture it with red climbing roses all over it. Also it would take just enough effort to get “through”. As far as fences goes, it can’t really keep anything either in or out. It would just make them think (if a person) or slow down (if a dog or a person). It’s “symbolic.”

Every season has its moods and flavors. Spring is a time of new optimism and in last month's letter, Planting Seeds of Spring, I wrote about planting seeds as a metaphor for possibilities.

April has its unique challenges and opportunities. With usual focus on taxes, we are reminded of our relationship to money. We see our tax returns as scorecards for our financial health. In our society money equals power and security and there's a common belief that money makes world go round. I like to think that its love that makes world go round.

What we do with our time and what we think about defines who we are. Because of financial pressures we have increased demands on our time and less time to do what we really want. With so many people affected by today's economy and struggle to make ends meet, thinking about ideals and values seems like a luxury. But this is precisely what we must do. If we don't reconnect with what gives our life meaning and purpose we will have nothing when scorecard turns against us.

I do not underestimate importance of money. Money is important, but more important is what we do and sacrifice to get it. If pursuit of money and commerce is our main focus, we will lose sight of what our real work is on this planet and lose ability to appreciate little things life offers us. Until we shift our focus to consider what we need to sustain us on a soul level, we cannot begin to heal ourselves from this predicament. Only then will we find a way out. "We make choices about how to take care of business, how to make sure we take care of our needs and needs of our children...The question is whether or not we can let song of our soul—our essential nature—guide those choices when fear is singing on our other ear. The question is which tune do we dance to, which piper do we pay." The Dance, Oriah Mountain Dreamer