One of my long time best friends called me
other night with a horrible pain in her heart. She needed someone to talk to. Rumor had it her daughter might be suicidal and she was trapped on a business trip until next evening. Her husband was home handling situation, but she wasn't going to be okay until she could hold her daughter close. She needed to look deep into her daughter's eyes to get a 'read' on what was really going on inside her mind. Until she could really sit down and talk to her daughter, she could at least pick my brain as to what to do. We talked a bit about when we were seventeen, and I tried to commit suicide. Now, all these years later, what could I say to my friend or to her daughter to make it all better?I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and had no reason to believe that I was loved or had any sort of an emotional support system. That's not what threw me over edge although looking back I think it set stage by insuring a very low self esteem when entering high school. I wanted to die because I was in love with two boys who were best friends and I knew I'd never be able to choose between them. It was more than I could bear. I wanted to escape pain of dating one and longing for other. Both were amazing wonderful souls.
I had met one when we were fifteen and we'd fallen instantly into a wonderful relationship. He was my first true love. He was struggling with his mother's new husband and became very distant and moody. In my insecurity, I assumed he wasn't interested in me anymore. To test my theory, I scribbled out a heart he'd drawn on his notebook with our names in it. He took it to mean that I was dumping him and seemed at peace with idea. I was too hurt and insecure to admit that I was just testing him and didn't really want to break up. He was too hurt and insecure to stop me. Neither of us knew how to speak openly from our hearts. He occasionally asked me out on dates after that. I would think we were about to get back together and then he'd be gone again. He had moved to a nearby town to live with his dad and stepmother. He gave me telephone number of his best friend to call if I ever needed to reach him.
One night after a year of him dropping in and out of my life and stealing my heart every time, I finally called his friend to find out when he'd be back in town and more importantly, would he ever get back together with me? According to his best friend, love of my life thought I was a slut even though I was still a virgin and he had no intentions of getting back together with me. However, his best friend was there to pick up pieces of my broken heart. The best friend was every bit as wonderful and amazing as first, but in his own unique different ways. We really loved each other. We were sixteen and planning to get married when we turned twenty.
Since they were best friends, my ex would drop in on us to visit and hang out. It was extremely difficult for me to see him during those visits. My head said I should hate him, but my heart still danced a jig every time he walked in room. My ex and I ended up having a long talk one night. He confessed that he really did say that I was a slut, but that he regretted it and never really felt that way about me. It was just stupid sixteen-year-old boy emotions tied up with our past together. He thought I was better off dating his best friend and gave his blessing. It killed me. I was still in love with him and he was telling me to stay with his best friend. His best friend was sweetest kindest boy I'd ever dated. Neither of us would ever dream of hurting such a beautiful soul. I couldn't tell either of them that I was in love with both and for months I slowly went insane unable to speak openly with either, terrified they'd both reject me.
Eventually, I snapped and couldn't bear pain of wanting one and guilt of never wanting to hurt other. I suspect that it's some kind of a primitive fight or flight mechanism that gets triggered when we become bombarded by negative emotions. When we feel that situation is hopeless and we have no way of changing dynamic, then we can't fight it. So, we need to flee and suicide is ultimate form of taking flight. It's really hard during that time to stop and logically realize that emotions are ever changing and as such they don't have to be fought nor avoided. You just have to wait them out and make positive choices and changes to promote shift in dynamics that are creating overwhelming emotions we want to run from. At seventeen, I couldn't see that.
