For example, people who struggle with intimacy in relationships are often afraid of feeling vulnerable with another person -- it scares or overwhelms them. People who have substance abuse problems may be using drugs or alcohol to numb their feelings and painful experiences. People who self-injure are often trying to numb or push away intense feelings. Most problems involve denying, avoiding, and hiding feelings and solution always involves accepting feelings.

The Problem with Denying, Avoiding, and Hiding Feelings

The problem with denying, avoiding, and hiding one's feelings is evident everywhere, from boy who won't let himself cry for fear of being called a "sissy", so he punches someone instead, to girl who's afraid to express her anger clearly and directly for fear she'll be seen as being "like a boy" so she instead gossips cruelly about her peers, or turns her anger on herself. We can see it in man who's afraid of saying how he feels for fear of sounding "gay, so instead buries himself in his work and neglects his partner, and in woman who can't say "no" because she fears conflict, so she ends up resenting her friends. We even see it in our heads of states who don't acknowledge their vulnerability and fears, and instead act aggressively and violently. We live in a world that is intolerant of authentic feelings, and this hurts us all.

People who do show their feelings are often put down and told they are "too sensitive," "over- reacting," "emotional," and not "objective," while people who hide their emotions are viewed as "strong," "confident," "logical," and "objective." While these differences can be expressed along gender lines, women are increasingly expected to hide or deny their emotions, and many men experience a lack of acceptance when they do express their vulnerability.

When people are put down for expressing their feelings, they may find that their feelings heighten or escalate because they feel invalidated and unheard; there's a natural tendency to feel more emotional when you haven't been heard. They may also learn to suppress and deny their feelings by distancing and numbing themselves. When people are rewarded for masking their emotions, they often end up feeling unseen, alienated, angry, and depressed without knowing why; their lives may look good but they feel empty or unfulfilled because they are cut off from their emotions.

What Do You Feel?

You can get to know your feelings simply by sitting quietly with your eyes closed or looking downward, and tuning inward. Shifting your attention inward helps you to sense what is going on inside of you. We can get so caught up in what we're doing, what we're talking about, or what other people are doing, that we forget to notice ourselves.

If, when you tune inward, you don't notice anything, try doing a body scan. Lie down comfortably and take time to notice how you feel in different areas of your body. Start with your head, and work your way down to your toes, or focus on areas that most draw your attention. Notice how you feel physically in each area of your body. Do you notice any tension, cramping, numbness, or anything else?

Notice what, if anything, comes to your mind when you focus on each area of your body. For example, does a memory come to mind, a thought, an image, an emotion? Just notice what comes to you without judging or thinking about it, and then move on to next area of your body. Try not to analyze what comes up, because that will take you out of your body and your emotions.

Some people find that by noticing natural rhythm of their breath, they feel more tuned into their body and emotions, and some people find that doing this triggers panic and fear. If it's comfortable for you, notice how your body rises and falls with your breath. Observing your breath can not only help you to tune inward, but can also help you to unwind.

Taking time to tune into yourself every day goes a long way toward helping you to know how you feel. You can do this almost anywhere, including sitting on bus, waiting for light to turn green, sitting in a traffic jam, sitting on toilet, and so on.

Accepting Your Feelings

Creating your World with Words

Try saying these words to yourself:

Depressed, sad, afraid, guilty, alone, weak, fragmented, disconnected, weary, helpless, victimized, threatened, tired, drained, resentful, unappreciated, misunderstood, burdened, angry, hate, hard, not good enough, dreary, stupid, ugly, lonely, impossible, overwhelmed, isolated, too much for me, failure, I can’t, danger, panic, it’s too hard…

How do you feel? And, what happens to your goals when you feel this way? To your energy? To your willingness to take risks? To your belief in yourself and your dreams?

It’s not such a pretty picture.

Now try these:

Happy, overjoyed, energized, strong, delighted, proud, empowered, flowing, intimate, ease, rested, fresh, possibility, connectedness, trust, openness, aliveness, love, awe, greatness, authenticity, harmony, success, safe, free, just right, excellence, beauty, pleasure, joy, power, creative, wholeness, shimmering, I have what it takes, I can do it, it’s a breeze….

Feel any better? Ready to get going again?

This simple but powerful exercise is designed to give you a tiny taste of power of words. Words create! The words we use (whether in speech or thought) play a central role in generating our perspective and feelings. Our feelings generate actions and our actions generate results. It all starts with words.

Want to know why it works this way?

G-d created world with words. According to Kabbalah, words and letters are actual building blocks – raw material - of creation. Everything has a Hebrew name, and each letter of that name is a channel for a specific Divine energy. The energies of these letters and way they are combined determines particular unique characteristics of everything in existence.

Before words of creation were spoken, everything existed only in a primordial state of Divine ‘nothingness’ - infinite undifferentiated potential.

But when G-d said, “Let there be light” (In Hebrew, ‘vayehi ohr’), these words became creative force that brought into being what we know as light. The same thing applies to each and every detail of creation.