Title: Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 851 Category: Parenting

VALIDATING VS. INDULGING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

I grew up at a time when children’s feelings were not important. I was supposed to go along with program without complaint, regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my mother generally responded with, “Don’t be ridiculous,” while my father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had similar experiences in their growing-up years.

Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging feelings intended to manipulate.

All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn to discern difference in intent regarding our children’s expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life experiences, such as loss of a pet, difficulties with friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative feelings are generated by thoughts such as, “I want attention,” “I want new clothes,” or “I have a right to have whatever I want.” The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or child needs to be told that we don’t like complaining, so that we are not indulging our children in using their feelings to manipulate.

Keep in mind that respect is not same as obedience. Children might obey because they are afraid. If they respect you, they will obey because they know you want what’s best for them.

The best way to teach respect is to show respect. When a child experiences respect, they know what it feels like and begin to understand how important it is.

Keep in mind saying “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Respect is an attitude. Being respectful helps a child succeed in life. If children don’t have respect for peers, authority, or themselves, it’s almost impossible for them to succeed.

A respectful child takes care of belongings and responsibilities, and a respectful child gets along with peers.

Schools teach children about respect, but parents have most influence on how respectful children become. Until children show respect at home, it’s unlikely they will show it anywhere else.

How can you show respect to your child?

Be honest – If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.

Be positive – Don’t embarrass, insult or make fun of your child. Compliment them.

Be Trusting – Let your child make choices and take responsibility.

Be fair – Listen to your child’s side of story before reaching a conclusion.

Be polite – Use “please” and “thank you”. Knock before entering your child’s room.

Be reliable – Keep promises. Show your child that you mean what you say.

Be a good listener – Give your child your full attention.

Children learn from everything we say and do. Make sure that you are modeling respectful behavior. Some of things you can do are:

Obey laws – Follow rules.

Be caring – Show concern for people, animals and environment.

Avoid poor role models – When you see examples of disrespect, discuss them.