As a stay-at-home mom, I have had
distinct privilege of being involved in several “mom-lifestyle” discussions. Most focus on roll of mothers in society today. Generally there are two camps. One says that a mother should stay at home, be there for her family exclusively, and be willing to sacrifice her very life and happiness for happiness of family. The second group says no, a mother should be able to pursue her own career, and although family may suffer some, her dreams and goals should be paramount.In discussing this paradox with several people (including my own mother), I have come to this conclusion—neither one works long term.
For a moment, I’d like to back track and see how we got here. Years ago—40 to 50 now, a woman’s sole job was to stay at home, cook, clean, and basically take care of her family. If a woman married, she was expected to be caretaker of children (and if she didn’t marry, then something must be wrong with her). This was a woman’s role. Period.
Then came women’s movement, and leaders said, “Family isn’t important, you are. Go out, pursue your goals, we will set up daycares and push concept of year round school so that you can.”
The problem with these two approaches is that following either one to its extreme throws life out of balance. After lengthy discussions, I have come to following conclusion: once you get married and have kids, there are three relationships that must be maintained. The first is with yourself. You cannot be all things to everyone else if you are not something to yourself.
This is trap that many teenagers fall into—if I can just get married and have kids, then I’ll be happy. They believe (as society taught for many years) that having a family will automatically fill void they feel in their lives. It will not. What too often happens to these women is they get family, two kids, husband, and dog. Then they look up, bleary-eyed from too many nights of missed sleep, and they say, “I don’t understand. This was supposed to make me happy.”
Boredom, loneliness, and frustration set in, and pretty soon, woman begins to believe that if she was just not married, if she just didn’t have kids, then her life would really be wonderful. Some go so far as to actually detach from family unit—emotionally or physically. But that isn’t answer either. The answer lies within. The woman must find ways and schedule time to pursue those activities that are important to her family or no family. In this way she can nurture relationship she has with herself.
The second relationship a woman must foster is relationship with her husband. Some women when they have kids, seem to forget about their husband. They become wrapped up in day-to-day chores (which admittedly can be overwhelming), and they detach from their partner in life. Again, scheduling time to spend together is vital. Make time for each other, like you did when you were first together. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.
