Truth TellingWritten by David Wood
"Every with-hold you have from someone, is a brick in wall between you." Do you tell truth? What percentage of time? 100%? Or 90%? And when you do tell truth, do you tell 100% of it? Or 90%? "You look great". "I don't mind". "Yes, sex is good". "Everything's fine at home". "I'm sorry". "I didn't mean to". "Something came up". And what about truths we don't say - "with- holds"? "I'm really upset that you canceled on me". "I don't feel respected by you". "I lie to you so you'll like me". "I'm worried if I tell you truth you'll be angry". "It's important to me that you be on time". You're either telling truth, lying, or with-holding. Even most of us with best intentions DO NOT tell 100% of truth, 100% of time. Why? We CAN'T tell whole truth - about what we want, how we feel, what we love, what we hate. Because we need people to like us, to love us, to accept us, to want to hang around us. "If I told Jill she needs a wash, she'd be upset, or even freak out". "If I told Bill I'm not enjoying sex, we'd both be embarrassed, and he might leave me". So we get to protect, hide-out, manipulate, and control. The Irony If we don't tell truth, people CAN'T love us! The only way we can really be loved - really be accepted, is to show who we are. To be who we are. Only THEN, once you are truly seen, is it possible for someone to accept real you. If we instead show a "front" ("No, no - it's OK that you're late"), they can only like, love, accept "front"! Then we feel more alone than ever, and maybe even resentful. And consider this: if you don't show who you ~really~ are, how will beautiful souls on planet who are looking for ~you~, find you? They'll see your "front", and move on! In "The Truth About Relationships", Greg Baer says: "Only when I tell truth can I be clearly seen by others. Only then can I feel ~accepted~ by them and feel that they genuinely care about my happiness (Real Love). I create opportunity to be loved when I tell truth about myself." So there it is. How do we be who we really are? How do we give people chance to see us, to accept "real me"? Risky, but simple: Tell Truth. When we Tell Truth I recently had opportunity to dig deep, and reveal a very uncomfortable truth. I was developing a nice friendship with a very beautiful woman, and at a certain point, had a "flash": one reason I was drawn to beautiful women in particular, was that love/affection/acceptance from ~this~ group of human beings, felt valid and important - I let it in. However, affection from people I didn't find physically attractive, I tended to devalue. Let's get right down to it - "I could be using her to feel important!!???". While I wasn't proud of this view, and am committed to moving past it, at that moment it was part of who I am, and I risked sharing it with her.
| | Make Your Life EasierWritten by David Wood
Have you read Art of War?' someone asked me once. Fighting someone to get your way is definitely a valid strategy. But you don't need me to tell you about that one - we've all been arguing and manipulating to get our own way since we were born! And you may have noticed - often when you push, other person pushes back! Wars have been fought, relationships lost, and many ulcers create with this kind of energy. This article is about opposite approach - art of fun surrender! Now many people who know me know I'm not usually first person to use this approach! In fact I can often be a real control-freak. However, I've been noticing quite often lately how much fun it can be to surrender - and often you don't lose a thing!!! So, call this 'observations from a novice'... Surrender 1 I was getting very frustrated with pedestrians in Byron Bay. They cross street anywhere they like, often without warning - it's like they think whole of Byron is a mall! So there's been a power play evolving: they walk across street in face of my oncoming car, and sometimes I swear they even ~slow down~ to show me they have right! So I drive right up to them - to make point that I've got right of way, and they should at least ~look~ if they are going to stroll across road. This week I decided to try something new: I decided that pedestrians have right of way in Byron. That these are their roads, and they get to do what they want with them. In fact, I decided I'm lucky to be able to drive around Byron at all! So how different do you think my experience was yesterday in car? I drove much slower, I watched for people everywhere. I even slowed down and waved people across when I could see they were thinking of darting across road. Much more fun! Surrender 2 My partner Bronwyn cleans kitty litter. I was ~stunned~ when she looked like she was about to throw cat poo over balcony onto our lawn! When I said 'What are you doing!!??', she replied that it smelled, she wanted to get rid of it in a hurry, and since it was raining we'd never notice it there and it would eventually disappear into soil. Well - I gotta tell you - part of me that tries to keep everything together - to keep things ordered and tidy - went nuts! I was furious at idea of cat poo littered all over our beautiful lawn. Having spent years practicing boundaries in my own life and helping my clients do same, I started with what I knew - albeit with a little charge attached: 'NO! That doesn't work for me. You can't throw cat poo over balcony' Fortunately, within seconds I realised how dominating and controlling this was. I was scared and reacting. And in that moment it came to me: 'You know what? It's perfectly OK if you throw it over side. But, I want you to know that I would really dislike it, and every morning I would go down and clean it off lawn - which would make unpleasant work for me. But if you still want to do it, I'm OK with it'. And believe it or not - I meant it! Of course I couldn't imagine why anyone would continue to do it knowing it would create work like that for their partner - but point was I was willing to handle it if that's what she decided. I ~surrendered~ instead of controlling situation. And you know what? She hasn't done it since.
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