True Happiness

Written by Kim Olver

Most people look outside of themselves asrepparttar cause of their unhappiness or frustration. After all, wouldn’t life be practically perfect ifrepparttar 135853 significant people in our lives would simply do thingsrepparttar 135854 way we want them to or do what we think is best for them? Actually, this isrepparttar 135855 kind of thinking that perpetuatesrepparttar 135856 misery!

I agree that most of today’s unhappiness centers on important people in our lives not cooperating with us. Can anyone relate to that? Have you ever had a child who makes a decision that puts them in serious danger? Have you ever had a significant other decide to relocate or make an employment decision with which you were not in agreement? Did one of your parents ever say something critical to you that rocked your confidence? Ever had a supervisor who micromanaged your work and never gave credit for your good work performance? I think you getrepparttar 135857 idea. Any one or combination of these things can be a source of unhappiness for us and I’m sure you can add several others torepparttar 135858 list.

While we are in situations such as these, it sure feels like ifrepparttar 135859 others in our life would just cooperate and berepparttar 135860 way we want them to be, and then our lives would be so much better, happier and more fulfilling. While this may, in fact, be true, what I also believe is this. While we are busy trying to get those significant others in our lives to do things our way,repparttar 135861 behaviors we typically engage in to move others in our desired direction are exactly those behaviors that damage, and ultimately destroy, our relationships.

You knowrepparttar 135862 behaviors I’m talking about: punishing, guilting, complaining, nagging, threatening, criticizing, “the silent treatment”, and if we are particularly savvy, rewarding to control, otherwise known as bribing.

If you are one of those people whose first choice of action is to negotiate and openrepparttar 135863 doors of communication, then you are rare. Ask yourself what do you typically resort to when negotiations fail?

I know one of my more polished behaviors is nagging. I am a world class nag---just ask my children. You knowrepparttar 135864 drill. “How about cleaning up your room today?” Thirty minutes later, afterrepparttar 135865 child is still in front of his video game, “Are you going to get to that room today?” Maybe two hours later, several decibels louder, “What about that ROOM?” Then, as a last frustration, it’s “Will you get off your lazy a*# and clean your blankety blank blank room!!!!” Ever been there? Did it work to getrepparttar 135866 room cleaned? In my case, it usually didn’t.

Deadly Relationship Habits

Written by Kim Olver

How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn’t want to do? I doubt that I’mrepparttar only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don’t necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don’t want to do.

This is perfectly normal. The key, however, is what we do about it. Can you rememberrepparttar 135852 behaviors your partners used to get you to do things their way? Dr. William Glasser, in his book called, Getting Together and Staying Together, talks aboutrepparttar 135853 seven destructive relationship habits. They are: complaining, criticizing, blaming, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing or rewarding to control. Do you recognize any favorites?

I like to add guilting torepparttar 135854 list---this seems to be a favorite behavior of mothers. I know, because I am one. You can recognize this pattern in martyr type behavior. Saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this one little thing for me?” I’ve actually heard some mothers playrepparttar 135855 “childbirth card”. You knowrepparttar 135856 one. It sounds like this: “I was in labor with you for 36 hours! All I’m asking for is this one thing.”

I know for me, I am a world class nagger---just ask my children. The question of “Will you clean up your room today?” can be asked in a variety of different ways, with varying tonal inflections and volumes to convey a variety of meanings. Byrepparttar 135857 time I’ve reachedrepparttar 135858 end of my rope, it would frequently sound like, “How can you be so lazy! If you don’t do it right now, I am going to do something to hurt you!” (This pain usually tookrepparttar 135859 form of haranguing my child for an extended period of time.) Does this sound familiar?

With regard to nagging, it is my belief that after you’ve said it three times, your significant other has probably heard you and is not planning on obliging you any time inrepparttar 135860 near future. Repeating your request most likely will be unsuccessful at getting you what you want.

Complaining and criticizing are other behaviors we often engage in to get our loved ones to do something they don’t want to do. Does this sound familiar? Why can’t you be more like _____________? Do you have to do it THAT way? Why can’t you ever do something I want? You never do thingsrepparttar 135861 right way. You are so lazy, stupid, frustrating, aggravating, etc. Do these sound like relationship strengthening behaviors to you?

I thinkrepparttar 135862 blaming, threatening and punishing behaviors are self-explanatory. Blaming sounds like: It’s always your fault. Threatening goes like this: If you do or don’t do ______________, then I’m going to (insert something you won’t like). Punishing often takesrepparttar 135863 form of withdrawal. It may be that we give our partnersrepparttar 135864 silent treatment or we may withdraw affection or at least our enthusiasm during intimacy.

The last destructive habit to discuss is called bribing or rewarding to control. This may require a little more discussion. Bribing or rewarding to control does not meanrepparttar 135865 same thing as negotiation. Negotiation in a relationship is very healthy and necessary torepparttar 135866 long term success ofrepparttar 135867 relationship. It involves two willing partners, each interested in helpingrepparttar 135868 other person get what they need, while atrepparttar 135869 same time meeting their own needs. Bribing simply means that I am going to dangle a carrot of what I think you want in front of you to get you to dorepparttar 135870 thing I know you don’t want to do.

I can remember often asking my youngest son to pick up his room. His room was always a mess and quite possibly a health hazard. I remember one day, I decided to put my nagging behavior away and try something new. So I said something like this: “Kyle, if you clean your room today, I’ll let you have a friend come over and play.” Do you know what his answer was? He said, “I don’t want a friend that bad.” Andrepparttar 135871 room didn’t get cleaned! What a surprise!

Bribing or rewarding to control also needs to be distinguished from spontaneous rewards. Can you feelrepparttar 135872 difference between these two scenarios? You want your partner to attend an office party with you that he or she does not want to attend. In your best attempt to bribe him or her, you seductively express what you might do when you come home fromrepparttar 135873 party.

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