Truck Stop Christmas

Written by Tom Hale

This is a true story. It was told to me by a guy I met on a Riverboat. That’s how I know it’s true; who could doubtrepparttar veracity of a River Rat? He didn’t use any backup singers when he told it to me, but I thought since this is going out onrepparttar 118133 Internet and all, I should shine it up a bit.

I spared no expense to fly these women in from Nashville. They are, I am proud to tell You,repparttar 118134 same backup singers who did all that “Wah-ooo” stuff on C.W. McCall’s records.

I am laboring under a serious deadline, sorepparttar 118135 singers and I haven’t had much time to practice. We will dorepparttar 118136 best we can. I’ll playrepparttar 118137 part ofrepparttar 118138 Trucker (imagine a Red Sovine-ish, Tex-Ritter- On-Acid kind of thing). It goes a little somethin like this:

Singers: It was a Truck Stop Christmas, With a light snow fallin down, In Penciltucky, but it could have been In any other town. The miracle that happened We may never understan, But, here to tellrepparttar 118139 story Is a Truck Drivin Man...

Trucker: Well, I'z—


A Truck Drivin Maa-aan. Wah-ooo.


Skewz me. I'z drivin down a stretch of Interstate, an' I'z really gettin hungry. Every time I'd hit them airbrakes, I'd hear 'em sayin, "Peeech Pie!" And my air horn was tellin me how I like my coffee: BLAAAAAK! BLAAAAK! Oh, I know I shouldn of been barrelin downrepparttar 118140 Interstate, hittin my airbrakes and blarinrepparttar 118141 horn like Judgment Day—that’s what too much marijuana’ll do to a man. Prob’ly why I was so hungry, too. Yeah, I’d of given a month’s pay for a big ol’ piece of “Peeech Pie!” I was tryin to remember if there was a Truck Stop on this p'tickler stretch of Interstate; that big diesel motor kept tellin me that there "Wudden! Wudden! Wudden-Wudden-Wudden!"


Just a homesick gear jammer Runnin low on love and luck, Thinkin 'bout his woman, And talkin to his truck...


I was 'bout to—


Talkin to his truu-uuck. Wah-ooo.

Trucker: I'm sorry...just kind of wave at me or somethin when it’s my turn, okay? I was 'bout to wet my pants when I came whizzin into town;repparttar 118142 lights of an unfamiliar Truck Stop caught my eye. When I walked in, there was this old waitress draggin a dirty rag acrossrepparttar 118143 novelty mud flap display. She smiled at me and said, "Merry Christmas, Son." I said, "Lordee, ma'am, is it Christmas already?" She said that yes, yes it was, and I bet my jaw must of hitrepparttar 118144 floor. Seemed like only yesterday it was October—that's what too much crystal methadrine'll do to a man.

She looked at me for a long time, then said, "You know, I had a son who'd be about your age. He took off drivin trucks and I never did hear from him again. I kept hopin he'd stop in here one day—preferably at Christmas, so I'd get a double dose ofrepparttar 118145 willies."

Well, I put my coffee back inrepparttar 118146 cup and said, "Ma'am, you can call it coincidence if you want to, but I had a mother who'd be about your age. I talked to Daddyrepparttar 118147 day before he died, and he told me Mama had missed me so bad, she went out and got a job at a Truck Stop, hopin someday I'd stop in."

Singers: A Truck Stop Christmas— Don't it make you weep? The snow continued fallin; It was really gettin deep...

Trucker: She said she—


Really gettin dee-eeep. Wah-ooo.


Damnit! She said she knew her boy was never gonna walk in at Christmas or any other time, for it was on this p'tickler stretch of Interstate, ten years ago, that her son was toppin a hill and had to swerve to miss a bus load of kids. After he'd plowed through a ditch and nearly turned over, he stuck his head outrepparttar 118148 window to cuss atrepparttar 118149 bus driver and his hat blew off. So he jumped out to get it. He should have stoppedrepparttar 118150 truck first, because he was goin 90 miles an hour when he jumped out. Yeah, he was in movin violation ofrepparttar 118151 law of gravity.


Written by Theolonius McTavish

WORLD TINKLE PANTRY DAY! -- Or, how to celebraterepparttar wonders of water-closets--

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.

November 19th is a very auspicious occasion. It's none other than "International Tinkle Pantry Day".

For those of you who are unfamiliar withrepparttar 118132 little known term "tinkle pantry", it isrepparttar 118133 focal point and modest appliance found in most "water closets", "places of ease" or "comfort stations".

North Americans probably knowrepparttar 118134 tinkle pantry by way of more familiar terms such asrepparttar 118135 "powder room" and "restroom", orrepparttar 118136 ever-popular family "throne room".

Few realize thatrepparttar 118137 average person visitsrepparttar 118138 toilet 2,500 times per year, or 6-8 times per day, which all adds up to about 3 years of one's life. Consideringrepparttar 118139 fact that this humble private and sometimes public privy isrepparttar 118140 most frequently visited room in any home or workplace, precious little has been done to recognize it's vital role in society.

If truth be told,repparttar 118141 tinkle pantry is a subject most avoid so as not to be considered a scruffy scatalogical storyteller. Considered a taboo dinner table topic, it is shunned by everyone except toddlers and parents who rejoice at this first step into adulthood by passing "Toilet Training 101" with flying colours.

It is rare indeed to see a politician of any stripe spend much time waxing on aboutrepparttar 118142 virtues of toilets. Precious few communities or even corporations consider celebrating with parades, marching bands, or even an official holiday,repparttar 118143 invention ofrepparttar 118144 toilet (several thousand years ago in ancient China and modernized by a British plumber named T.J. Crapper more than a century ago).

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