Tribute to Delores

Written by D. Gustafson

Summer’s almost here and it’s that time. Yes, you need a new bathing suit.

No, no, no, now come on back here. That’s it. Just sit down and relax. Take a few deep breaths. C’mon, breathe in through your nose, now out through your mouth. Good girl.

I understand completely. Why,repparttar mere thought ofrepparttar 118271 “Suit Ritual” used to send me running torepparttar 118272 pantry for a container of Betty Crocker’s Rich & Creamy Frosting. Of course, that was before I knew how to buy a bathing suit.

Bathing suit shopping doesn’t need to be painful, stressful or emotionally devastating.

Department store statistics show that over eighty percent of all women shopping for a bathing suit will leaverepparttar 118273 store empty handed. Of that eighty percent, a full sixty-five percent will leaverepparttar 118274 store empty handed, and require sedation. Those are sad, shameful and totally unnecessary statistics.

Findingrepparttar 118275 perfect suit is simply a matter of understandingrepparttar 118276 logistics, then following a few simple guidelines.

Understand your body type. Not every suit suits everyone. What suit to pick? Well, if you’re a busty gal, look to an under wire for support. If combined withrepparttar 118277 vee neckline of a surplice bodice, your ample bosom will look perky and proud. Avoid support that pushes up and together, lest small sea creatures become trapped.

Love a two piece, but have a tummy? No problem. It’s a peek-a-boo tankini for you. Pullrepparttar 118278 top as high or low as you dare. Inrepparttar 118279 water a little air, trapped inrepparttar 118280 top, will give you a sexy, buxom look, and double as a flotation device.

Kissing thighs never “kiss and tell” beneath a flirty skirted suit. A pristine white pleated skirt is justrepparttar 118281 thing this season to hide past sins. Paired with a jaunty sailor’s cap, worn at a perky angle, you’ll berepparttar 118282 belle ofrepparttar 118283 beach.

Think we’re finished? Not even close. Deciding your body type is onlyrepparttar 118284 beginning. The preparation for your big day should begin at least two weeks prior to shopping.

Two Weeks

Cut out all salt, sugar, white flour, animal flesh, processed foods, and fat from your diet. Eat natural foods, like celery, high in water content. If possible, eat only celery. This will enable your body to flush out allrepparttar 118285 built up toxins. To speed uprepparttar 118286 cleansing, drink at least twenty glasses of water per day. At first glance, this may seem an excessive amount of water, and it is. It’s rather high. However,repparttar 118287 more time spent inrepparttar 118288 bathroom,repparttar 118289 less time standing in front ofrepparttar 118290 fridge. Nuff said?

If at all possible, have your doctor prescribe a high dosage diuretic. The foot and leg cramps may be annoying, but just keep your mind focused onrepparttar 118291 big day, and you’ll barely notice them.

Checkrepparttar 118292 back of your legs. After being bundled up in pantyhose and tights all winter, some women develop a rash. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and is easily cured. Your face deserves a facial, so why not give your legs a legcial?

Pause o'Menses

Written by D. Gustafson

Want a word that’s ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolling and jokes? Menopause. Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say “you’ll live”, you will.

You won’t become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you’re a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he’srepparttar president. So, here are a few ofrepparttar 118270 little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.

Hot flashes

A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.

Cold flashes

What you’d kill for when you’re having a hot flash.

Excessive bleeding

This is simply your body’s way of refusing to “go quietly into that good night” Mood swings

If you’ve ever been married, had children, or breathed air, you’ve already experienced mood swings. They're old hat. Dry vagina

A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it’s bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.

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