Top Ten Common-Sense Rules for FathersWritten by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
There are a lot of fairly sophisticated parenting techniques and ideas out there that are attracting attention. To be an effective father, you can skip most of them and concentrate on common sense rules that have always worked. They won’t always make you most popular Dad, but they’ll always be effective: Rule #1 Expect A Great Deal From Your Kids If your kids know that you expect a lot from them, they’ll rise to occasion. Everything from saying please and thank-you, to efforts in school or on athletic field, if expectations are made clear in a loving atmosphere your kids will know that you think a lot of them. When they know this, they’ll respond. Rule #2 Always Be Willing To Be Problem When you’re convinced that someone in your family is causing problems and you’re blaming them for it, realize that this problem won’t get better until you accept that you’re making it worse by blaming them. It may briefly feel good to blame, but it never improves anything. Loving and accepting that person will make a positive difference. Rule #3Know Your Child’s Life Intimately Get to know all that you can about your kids. Know what their favorite toys and colors are, who their best friends are, who their heroes are, etc. By showing interest, you’re showing you love them. By not asking, you show that they’re not that important to you. Rule #4Say No To Your Kids There’s an awful lot of stuff out there for kids these days...and of course they want to have it all. Kids who get almost everything they want typically don’t turn out to be very happy kids. Kids learn discipline, self-control, and how to delay gratification when they are told no by their parents. It may be a difficult struggle, but saying no and meaning it will help you to have happy, healthy, and cooperative kids. Rule #5Hitting or Spanking Your Kids Doesn’t Work There are plenty of studies showing that kids who are spanked have lower self-esteem. Spanking your kids will also be likely to increase very kinds of behaviors that you are spanking them for. As a father, do you really want your child to be afraid of you?
| | Accepting That You Are the Problem Written by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
Although many of you out there fancy yourselves as warm, loving, and competent fathers, you are sometimes problem in your relationship with your kids. This may be difficult to hear, but if you make this secret cornerstone of who you are as a father, you’ll increase your chances for success and effectiveness with your kids. Deny that this is ever a problem, and you’ll continue to create problems without your knowledge of it. Sound complicated? It’s not, just read on.It’s incredibly easy to get to a place of judging your children harshly and blaming them for problems in your family. If you’re married, you may also get to same place with your wife. Fathers can easily see themselves as hard-working dads who care about their family and do all of “right” things for them. You may have a hard time seeing your own contribution to any problems your family has. But there is an important reason that you are problem, and it’s a concept that can be used in any relationship in your life: In any relationship that you’re in, other person really knows how you feel about them! Words don’t have to be spoken here. Your loved ones have an intuitive sense about your feelings for them, and they’re usually quite accurate. When you’re not feeling good about your son or daughter, when you’re feeling they are embarrassing you or aren’t living up to “your standards,” you’re letting them know in some way that they’re failing. When they pick up on those feelings, what you will notice is that you will get more of very behavior that you are disturbed about. If you see your son as incapable, he will tend to “live down” to your expectation and be incapable. If you see your daughter as weak and dependent, you’ll get a good dose of these qualities as well. Do you see how you’re problem here? It’s important to note that this initial “seed” of blame will have a tendency to cycle and grow stronger. The more your kids feel blamed for their behavior, more negative feelings will come your way. In their book, “Leadership and Self-Deception (2000),” Arbinger Institute talks about how easily we deceive ourselves and blame others, causing our relationships to worsen. Not only do we easily blame others, we are totally unaware of how we contribute to problem by initiating this blame.
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