“Dr. Fiore,” my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, “once again my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too exhausted; what should I do?”“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.
“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”
Lack of communication such as this among family members is
root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of year, but especially during often stressful holiday season.
Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.
Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.
The Elephant In The Room
When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.
Neither wants to acknowledge elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, elephant gets in way of positive feelings between you and other person.
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.
Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.
Assertive versus Offensive
Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!
