You’re at a party talking with a man and it happens. He says something and you feel “sucked dry” after processing various emotions. Some of them might be -- He’s been hurt, I must help him; I’m good at cheering people up; I really don’t want to do this now, we’re at a party, why would he ruin it, that’s an unkind thought; what would it hurt to give him some time; he’s too needy; I wonder if I’m looking compassionate; this is inappropriate, I’m annoyed; am I wearing some kind of sign that attracts this? You end up exhausted. You’ve taken
bait.
It happened to me at dance class other day. We were there to learn Polka, a very happy dance. We switch partners and my first one was great – learning, but fun. Then my second partner appears – a sad-faced, tense man who stood defiantly in front of me. (Whatever bait they’re throwing out, what they’re looking for is a fight.)
“I can’t do this,” he said.
“Ug,” I thought, and replied, “Oh, sure you can. Let’s give it a try.”
He crossed his arms and replied, “No I can’t.”
“Why not?” said I, a captive 'partner.'
“I’m old,” he replied.
My anger flared. (Taking bait I am.) I teach EQ and optimism, and work with midlife people, and that’s such as BAD attitude. He wasn’t even oldest person in room, not that “old” people can’t dance … I was on my way, ready to pour energy into this blackhole!
At this point you must remind yourself not to argue. If he hadn’t used “too old,” he would’ve used “too young”. The excuse is thing. The victim is pose.
Then I’m hearing, “So be kind to me.”
The final coup d’etat. He makes me angry and then tells me I must be kind to him. If I bite, I’m hamstrung. He’s dishing out guilt. He wants to make me as miserable as he is. Ready?
Our teacher came running over. In order to keep students (and make money) he wants everyone to be happy, and clearly we two weren’t. We were both smiling (mine fakey, his true because he was happy to be working me over), but what he saw out of corner of his eyes looked like it needed breaking up, like a fight. We pick up on one another’s vibes and we pick up true vibe.
I wanted to say, “Then why are you here?” tying myself into more knots. The reason he was there was to pick a fight, and how obliging of me!
The point is – all those negative emotions you feel are your signal that “bait” is on hook and it's coming your way. Our emotions give us information, and message is – don’t bite. Get away.
As you approach holidays, and those often-dreaded family get-togethers, if you have some of these difficult people among your friends and relatives, prepare yourself. Even a short interchange with a person like this is costly.
If you use your emotional intelligence, you can limit damage. As you develop your EQ, you’ll learn to catch it quicker, get into it less, stop it sooner, and recover faster. Eventually you can avoid it most of time.
When I’ve listened to people talk about a difficult relative (or co-worker or friend), they’re experts on what interchange will be, what chains will be jerked, and how furious they will be. They’re asking me how to fix person, because they’re SURE there’s a way and they just haven’t found it yet, so they keep going back.
