I have had many confidence issues in my life, all of which I have either dealt with or overcome. I have written about some of these issues below.

1. The Bald Patch

2. My height

3. My weight

4. The stutter

5. My lack of belief in myself

6. My career

THE BALD PATCH

Even though to some people it may seem trivial, I was born with a bald patch size of a ten pence piece. As I went through childhood and especially teenage years I became more and more self-conscious and paranoid about it.

It was especially noticeable when it rained or when I went swimming as my hair would become wet. People at school would ridicule me and I was forever trying to hide and cover bald patch even though most people knew about it.

It hurt when people laughed at me and eventually I stopped going swimming altogether.

MY HEIGHT

Out of all of my close male family and friends, I am shortest at 5ft 4. This probably should not influence my confidence however with people continually looking down on me it did. I have been called many names, nicest being “Shorty”.

I was always jealous of other people taller than I was. I hoped that one day I might have a late spurt. This never came.

My height affected me with sport. I wanted to be a striker at football however coaches only wanted people over 6ft tall. At snooker I am constantly have to use rest which makes it difficult to play up to best standard and at tennis I was constantly being lobbed. It also meant that I only felt comfortable dating women 5ft 3 and under which reduces available market considerably.

MY WEIGHT

During senior school I was very thin. This may have been result of my parents turning vegetarian when I was twelve. At time there were very few replacement foods and it seemed as though we went from having meat and two veg to just two veg.

As my parents cooked food I had little option but to also turn vegetarian. After a few weeks I approached them and told them that I missed and wanted to eat meat. They were understanding to a degree and said:

“If you want it, you cook it”

At this age I could only really be bothered to cook properly a few days of week and that gradually became less and less.

People at school would call me names like skin and bone and my weight became another area of paranoia for me.

THE STUTTER

At age of four I developed a stutter. This became gradually worse as I became older even though my parents were told that I would grow out of it.

For what fluent people would class as simple tasks like reading from a book at school, answering questions, saying my name and address, ordering items at bar or in a restaurant, and speaking on telephone became a constant battle.

“Why did you marry him?” I asked her, and there was a long silence. Finally, “Because I was in love with him?” she replied, and it came out as a question. “I guess I never thought about that,” she added.

Because I coach people, I hear many different reasons why people marry people they do, but it often comes out in terms of unmet expectations. When we aren’t clear about what we want out of marriage, regardless of person involved, and don’t check things our beforehand, it can lead to heartbreak.

What we expect from marriage is deeply ingrained is us, from our families of origin, and from our culture. You may come from a background that assumes man will be provider, and woman will take care of house, and both spouses will take an active part in child-rearing -- not just wiping noses, but training, values and character development. If you marry someone whose expectations are same, things will go fairly smoothly.

But what if you’re a man with above expectations, who marries a woman who comes from a family where women all had active and successful careers, and also took major responsibility for upbringing of children, wanting only for man to provide his portion of their upkeep, but to stay out of training?

There are many expectations we have about marriage, and we might as well call them emotional needs, because if they aren’t met we aren’t going to be very happy. It can destroy love we initially had for person. The better you can define these assumed needs to yourself, and to person you’re considering marrying, better chances of finding someone who feels same way.

Vocabulary is very important here. I hear many men, for instance, saying they want “companionship.” Fred said that in his second wife he wanted “companionship,” and he fell in love with Lisa. Lisa wanted companionship too. The trouble arose when it turned out companionship meant to Lisa someone to talk to, share ideas, feelings and thoughts with, and relate closely intellectually and emotionally, with lots of open conversation, and to Fred, it meant recreational companionship. He wanted someone to sail, bike ride and play tennis with him, and without a lot of talking. Lisa and Fred both wanted someone they could hang out with, but nature of that hanging out was very different, and, ultimately unbridgeable.

In meantime, there can be those stalemate fights that turn into imbroglios, where man yells at woman, “But I want companionship (play golf with me)” and woman yells back, “But I’m giving you companionship. (I love to talk to you)” Or she says, “I wanted you to help raise children” (teach them) and he replies, “Well I earn all money, don’t I?”