Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
THINGS GRANNIES SHOULD NEVER DO OR SAY
-- Or, what women of a certain age should DO and SAY to have some fun! --
According to Webster, (a wicked if not witless wordsmith), a “granny” is “a fussy person”.
Clearly, “granny” ranks right up there with all other pejorative terms used to describe women of a certain age as “a hag”, “a harridan” or just “a handful”. With few endearing qualities or redeeming features, it’s not surprising that there are so many unpleasant things associated with “grannies”. Just take a look.
There is something called “granny knot” (responsible for tying up folks far too long in their twisted knickers). Then there's infamous “granny dress” (a long sack worn by those whose boobs have fallen by wayside, whose hips ressemble those of a heffalump, or whose flat feet now fit nicely into army boots). And last but not least, there's god-awful “granny suite” (a quaint place where offspring lodge their mother because dog-house is already occupied).
For benefit of those “freedom-fifty females” out there who do not want to sit in a rocking chair, knit wooly hats, and listen to crooners from days gone by – toss your grumps, groans and gripes. It’s time to gird your luscious loins, grab your giddy-up-and-go attitude, and give your gorgeous gutsy head a shake!
Here’s your list of top ten things to do to become a “flamboyant fickle floozie”, a “happy hook-line-and sinker”, or a “tantalizing tart with a heart”:
1. Buy a boa (the bigger better and most colorful one on rack, because this one has your name on it ...“Burlesque Babe”, "Buxom Baroness" or "Blue-Movie Queen"!)
2. Borrow most erotic novel you can find in library (then you know it’s passed censure’s test in case kids ask – and carry it conspicuously everywhere you go – it’ll be a great ice-breaker and hot conversation piece at any capricious cafe or captivating cocktail party!)
3. Beguile a child to lend you a sparkly magic wand and tiara, plus one rubber toad (these are “must have” ingredients for turning nice young men with tight buns into Princes at midnight; they’re also a visible reminder to nasty nitwits of what’s in store for them if they so much as think a naughty thought or talk back to Queen of Quips, Quirks & Quidnuncs!)