Is there a "typical" relationship between narcissist and his family?

Answer:

We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: one that we are born to and one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from former to latter. The narcissist is no exception.

The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all love that he needs from himself. From outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention – in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions.

He does not require – nor does he seek – his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as audience in theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them.

He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars – their very self is a false one). He acts pitiful, or, its opposite, resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical capacities and achievements, or behaviour patterns appreciated by members of family. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own children, narcissist is likely to go through three phases:

At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as attention of his spouse, or mother, as case may be. They intrude on his turf and invade Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues.

His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to birth of his children or to introduction of new foci of attention to family cell (even to a new pet!).

Whoever narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to role of enemy. Where uninhibited expression of aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more "legitimate" targets).

Other narcissists see opportunity in "mishap". They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from attention directed at infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for narcissist.

An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures grateful admiration of mother ("What an outstanding father/brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all credit for baby's/sibling's achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of other, a strategy that narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.

As siblings or progeny grow older, narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.

It is at this stage that risk of child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is heightened. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as narcissist gets to having sex with himself.

Moreover, narcissist perceives sex in terms of annexation. The partner is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to narcissist, is ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of other. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies.

Most of us own and drive a car. While we know that highway is filled with dangerous drivers, that fact doesn’t usually cross our minds when we buckle up. Internet usage is increasing daily. As we become more comfortable using it, we may not be concerned enough with powerful dangers it can present. Logging on to Information Super Highway puts us on a broad road where dangers are extreme, potentially harmful, and often subtle or unseen – especially for children.

Would you allow your children to spend one-on-one time with a known sex offender? Of course not! But letting them surf an unfiltered Internet could lead to that very scenario. Sexual predators usually operate alone. However, communication power of Internet has allowed them to seek out victims with anonymity, greatly increasing their ability to both strategize their approach and avoid detection.

Using instant messages, emails, and especially chat rooms, they pose as a minor and look for an unsuspecting child and develop a relationship with. The patient process often begins by showing attention and sympathy – particularly in those areas where child has disagreements with a parent or other authority figure.