The true value of a human being is determined primarily by measure and sense in which he has attained liberation from self. --Albert Einstein

Who are you? Are you a mother, father, child, friend, spiritual seeker, doctor, lawyer, teacher, business person? A husband or wife?

And what kind of person are you? A good person, a not-so-good person? Smart or stupid, graceful or clumsy? Are you talented, bold, wimpy, fearless, fearful, articulate, shy? Do you enjoy taking risks, or are you afraid to try new things? Do you like to let it all hang out, or are you shut up like a clam? Whatever your answers, you will almost certainly have a fair number of pretty definite beliefs and opinions about yourself. And those beliefs and opinions, whether expressed or not, will limit and define you as certainly as if they were made out of concrete and steel.

Several years ago a magnificent young tiger was imported from India and shipped to a local zoo in States. A beautiful and expansive habitat was built for him, complete with waterfall, trees, rocks, valleys and caves. While building was going on, tiger was housed in a small temporary cage, approximately 30 by 30 feet. It spent its days continuously pacing cage from one end to other. This cage was originally intended to house tiger on a very temporary basis – for only a couple of weeks- but building took longer than expected and tiger actually remained in cage for several months. When habitat was finally complete, cage was lowered into it, opened, and removed. The tiger almost immediately resumed pacing – 30 feet forward and 30 feet back. It no longer needed small cage to limit and confine it; this cage, which once surrounded tiger, had been transplanted into tiger’s mind.

A similar mechansim is familiar to people who train elephants. When elephant is young and small, it is strongly tethered to something large and heavy; a strong stake or a tree. The elephant pulls and tugs, but cannot free itself, and eventually gives up, confining its movements to length of rope. As soon as this happens, tree can be replaced by a small stake that now much larger elephant could pull up in an instant. Only it doesn’t. Stake, rope, and confinement have become indelibly associated in elephant mind.

Does this ring any bells for you?

Do you ever say to yourself: “I can’t, I’m just not that type”? If you answer ‘no’, look harder, because in one arena or another we all do. Some people can’t parachute out of planes. Some of us just can’t keep our houses organized. Some of us can’t stop overeating or overdrinking. Some can’t talk about our feelings. Some can’t get ourselves to work, and others can’t stop working. And we almost always think we know, in any given area, whether we have what it takes, or not.

Just like our zoological friends, ties that bind us are almost always thicker, stronger and more real as they exist inside our heads than they are in actual physical world. The way we react to our beliefs about ourselves, life, other people, and what we can and can’t do is no different than tiger’s reaction to his months in cage or elephant’s to his rope.

We don’t start out life with fixed ideas about who we are and what we can and can’t do, but we begin to develop them pretty quickly, and continue to reinforce them as we go along. If you decide as a small child that your ideas are not important, chances are that throughout life you will continue to act on that belief, avoiding sharing your ideas with others and thus having little influence on people around you. This pattern of behavior, of course, will continue to ensure that very few people will seek out your opinions or advice, continuously providing more evidence for your original belief. This is one definition of a vicious cycle. However, remember that this doesn’t make you unusual. Virtually every human being, no matter how functional his upbringing, has some fixed ideas about who he is – and who he isn’t.

But Kabbalah explains this phenomenon in a deeper way.

As Thanksgiving approaches and we start making holiday plans, here are some things to keep in mind.

Perception: That it’s terrible to be alone for holidays. Reality: This is mostly a projection of married people who fear unknown or could not tolerate being alone before they were married. The reality is that single people who observe what goes on at holiday get-togethers between couples, 50% of whom are destined to be divorced at some point, think there are worse things than being single.

Perception: That single people are desperate to be invited over for Thanksgiving dinner. Reality: Single people have myriad options and no one to consult. I can go on a cruise, stay home in my bathrobe and declare it a non-holiday, do meaningful volunteer work at homeless shelter, invite friends over, or get a dinner reservation at a hotel. Or I can accept any one of numerous invitations I get. Contrary to what you might think, we single people are popular at holidays. Most of us have accomplished social skills and are welcome additions at holiday gatherings

Perception: Single people don’t know what to do for holidays. Reality: We’re used to planning our social lives actively, good at generating options, used to making unilateral decisions, and accomplished “mixers.” We’re pros!