As Kevin recounted first night of class, he and his girlfriend had argued in car over which route to take home from a party. Events progressed from mild irritation, to yelling and name calling.

Things escalated at home. He tried to escape, but she followed him from room to room, demanding resolution of conflict. He became angry, defensive and intimidating.

Frightened, she left. Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but couldn’t deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts.

Kevin said that he normally is a very ‘nice’ and friendly person. But on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before party. In his view, she was irrational and non-stop in criticism. He tried to reason with her, but it just made things worse. Finally, as Kevin saw things, in desperation he ‘lost it’ and became enraged.

How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?

Option 1: Time out. Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to work on issue). Take a walk. Calm yourself down. Breathe deeply. Meditate. Do something else for awhile.

New research by John Gottman, Ph.D., at University of Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse rate goes above 100 beats per minute, and you enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse physiological arousal). Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to solve problem. You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory and judgment greatly decline.

Taking a time-out allows both of you to return to your normal state of mind.

Jane clearly reached coveted spot first, but other woman asked her to move, explaining she was 20 minutes late for a doctor’s appointment. At first, Jane thought it was a joke, but before she knew it, two women were tussling on concrete.

Most people feel angry in situations when someone making outrageous requests of us. This is because our brains are ‘hardwired’ to react with anger when we are frustrated or when obstacles prevent us from reaching our goals.

Aggressive driving behavior is due, in part, to a breakdown of an individual’s internal control of their emotions in public places.

Other common driving frustrations and irritations that often cause angry feelings and weakening of control include being:

-Stuck in traffic while late for an appointment

-Delayed by a driver going 10 miles an hour below speed limit

-Threatened by driver trying to intimidate you

-Getting cut off by a driver

Gaining control of our emotions – and more importantly, our behavior – is often a matter of finding a way to change our perspective or vista of situation.

Frequently, what we tell ourselves is so automatic that we don’t even realize what it is we are thinking; yet, our thinking patterns are what make us more angry or calm us by changing how we experience that which is frustrating us.

Example 1: Getting cut off. Someone triggers anger by cutting you off in traffic; you automatically tell yourself things like ‘What a jerk; he has no right to do that to me; I’m going to get even; he did that to me on purpose; why does he disrespect me like that? How dare he do that to me, etc.