Title: The Difference Between Approval and Appreciation Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 693 Category: Relationships/Communication/Emotional Healing

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN APPROVAL AND APPRECIATION By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I have often been faced with difficulties that occur when people are confused about difference between approval with appreciation. Have you ever wondered about difference between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this.

Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part of us. Approval is conditional upon other person performing in way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is, we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that other person will continue to do what we want as a result of approval.

Appreciation, on other hand, is something we offer from a whole loving place within - what I call loving Adult. It comes from heart and is offered spontaneously as heart wells up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another’s way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with essence of a person rather than with performance. We are appreciating a person’s core Self, who they really are and results of who they are, rather than what they do and their performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to outcome, no expectation that other should or will continue to perform. Appreciation is a true gift.

In book, The Three Boxes of Life, Richard Bolles discusses boxes of learning, working, and playing. He suggests that most people have pursued these dimensions in a linear sequence. First we learn, then we work, and then when we retire, we can finally play. His premise is that we should try to integrate all three elements thoughout our lifetime in order to achieve most fulfillment

Conrad Hyers said, “We live in a society where even play is turned into work. But highest existence is not work, highest level of existence is play.” Play is extremely important to our happiness and well-being. For grown up adults, play is often viewed as frivolous or unnecessary, to be reserved only when chores are done. Guess what--- chores will never be completely done, so you may as well stop and enjoy view, smell roses, kiss your lover, and have more fun NOW.

With American lifestyle of work, work, work, we often put off taking vacations or doing fun stuff, saying, that we’ll get to it “someday.” Unfortunately, that day never seems to come, and when it finally does, we are so drained or burned-out that we can’t even enjoy it! I am hear to tell you that life is not all about work and no play! We need to bring more balance to our lives. And since summer is upon us, it is perfect time to develop a new “philosophy of play.”

Summer time is meant to be fun time, evoking images of days spent at beach, family picnics, and nights under stars. The warm and blooming season of summer reminds us to honor ourselves and to do things we like to do. The idea of summer is to wind down, sit back and relax, have some iced tea, and watch a sunset. It encourages us to be kind to ourselves, to give ourselves permission to “just be,” and to slow down our pace a bit. Once you learn to slow down, you rediscover what is really important to you. You can take time out of your busy schedule to reflect and make plans for future you want to create.