The Beginnings of Medicine, via the Back Passage.

Written by Thick Mick.

Hello, Mick here. When I should have been in short pants, but didn’t have any, medicine was hardly a tonic. The nearest comparable thing to modern medicine was a type of Acupuncture

The most noticeable difference between it then, and now, isrepparttar needles. We didn’t have medical grade stainless steel.

What we did have though, was an ample supply of bamboo chutes. While these were considered organic, whatever that is, they were somewhat larger in diameter.

If time goes as slow for you as it does for me, then discoverrepparttar 118123 virtues of ORIGINAL MEDICINE.

The science of putting such probes in particular nerve paths was more primitive, and one hundred times more effective. Supposing that you had an earache, then I can guarantee you that you would only have it once.

An immature chute (three-inches in diameter) would be forcibly inserted directly torepparttar 118124 site ofrepparttar 118125 pain!! It was a similar deal for eye infections! Re-infections were non-existent!

Inrepparttar 118126 off-chance that you had diarrhoea, thenrepparttar 118127 treatment was local, rapid and somewhat final.

I won’t even mention toothache. We had no teeth! Indeed, teeth and any associated maladies, were considered to be a waste of good timber.

Eczema, psoriasis, acne and indeed migraine were migrant workers, as far as we were concerned. Asthma was slightly different though, and was an herbal remedy for flatulence, not that we had much. It would be “lanced”, long before it would present a problem. Gaseous or otherwise.


Written by Theolonius McTavish

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.


Every yearrepparttar Ho-Ho-Ho-ing chap inrepparttar 118122 red tunic withrepparttar 118123 white whiskers gets inundated with some pretty balmy questions.

So this year, I asked him if he wouldn't mind responding to twenty-five odd, obscure, and some might even say downright obtuse queries. Needless to say, he was delighted to have a chortling chinwag with me by satellite phone from his nippy ice-fishing hut atrepparttar 118124 North Pole.

Readers who understandrepparttar 118125 value of milk and milk products plus high fibre diets also know we all pay a price for being part ofrepparttar 118126 animal kingdom, perhaps more so duringrepparttar 118127 holiday season. So, what's this got to do withrepparttar 118128 price of tea in China? Well, allowance should probably be made for those with vagrant airs not to mention a healthy tongue-in-cheek attitude to Life, an uncertain Universe, and Everything absurd in between.

WARNING: For readers unable to make adjustments that are dietary, linguistic, psychological and cultural in nature, please avoid readingrepparttar 118129 following shameless sliders, big whoppers, and unmitigated, unmuffled freeps -- more than likely emanating from a jolly, red-necked, foot-in-the-mouth fellow (probably wearing a plaid shirt, red long-johns, and a pair of bright yellow suspenders).

1. What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?

Hmmm…better askrepparttar 118130 frazzled folks in Notrees (Texas), Mushaboom (Nova Scotia), and Hookey's Waterhole (Australia) -- they still believe Santa Claus will find them if they use smoke signals from blazing barbecues, outdoor cooking stoves, and hot coals from campfires.

2. Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?

The short answer is no…everyone atrepparttar 118131 North Pole thrives on carrots and brussel sprouts, 57 blubber recipes, plus a weekly serving of fish and chips, supplemented by Girl Guide Cookie or Hostess Twinkie treats -- a perfectly balanced diet for pleasingly plump parents and a lean pack of elves with attitude.

3. How does Santa get downrepparttar 118132 chimney whenrepparttar 118133 fire is going?

We’re back to those blessed chimneys are we?!*… Santa wears a fire-retardant suit silly!

4. How does Santa’s huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?

What's withrepparttar 118134 f***** chimneys again? Okay if you really must know, Santa presses his "Mighty Magic Midget Button" on his red tunic faster than you can shake a stick or something.

5. What exactly are ‘reindeer games’ anyway?

Are you over 18, in good health, and seeking a pleasurable companion for a night out?

6. Why does Santa visit people only once a year?

There’s a clause in Fairy Godmothers' Union contract stipulating that inrepparttar 118135 event of a decision by Santa to visit more frequently, there will be hell to pay from a whole host of hissy-fitters not to mention a hopping mad Easter Bunny.

7. Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?

The Man From Glad naturally -- 'cause his PVC-bag full of goodies won't break!

8. Does Santa get paid?

By that do you mean inrepparttar 118136 spiritual sense (you know warm and fuzzies), or in a pragmatic sense ($6.50 per hour less deductions for union dues, pensions, disability insurance, health and dental care benefits, taxes and voluntary charitable donations)?

9. What kind of car does Santa drive duringrepparttar 118137 off-season?

Actually, Santa enjoysrepparttar 118138 perks of a chauffeur-driven, gas-guzzling, air-conditioned stretch limo with plush leather interiors and an automatic sliding sunroof, plus a full bar service, satellite-TV, a DVD player with surround-sound, not to mention tinted shatterproof glass and kid-proof door-locks. On occasion he has been known to drive a Harley-Davidson (without a helmet) in order to saverepparttar 118139 environment but more importantly, he just gets a kick out of feelingrepparttar 118140 wind blow through his long, curly locks of silver hair, bushy eyebrows, not to mention his handle-bar, white moustache and matching trimmed whiskers.

10. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?

Perhaps he had a run-in withrepparttar 118141 Frost-Bite Fairy, who knows. Besides, Santa doesn't tattletale on anyone, not even reindeers. ...Byrepparttar 118142 way, why are you more interested inrepparttar 118143 complexion of a hoofer rather than shootingrepparttar 118144 breeze with me, if I may be so bold as to ask?

11. Why do we wrap Christmas presents so beautifully only to have others rip offrepparttar 118145 paper?

Watch a blue movie or two, then you’ll probably figure outrepparttar 118146 answer all by yourself!

12. If Santa has a weight problem, why do we leave him milk and cookies? Shouldn’t we leave him a salad and water?

Look, there’s nothing wrong with having lots of love handles. Besides, I think you’re getting me mixed up with an alternative-lifestyle Easter Bunny who’d be only to pleased to smoke your weeds and walk on water, if it would make you and your friends happy.

13. How come allrepparttar 118147 standard Christmas songs you hear onrepparttar 118148 radio are sung by dead people?

Whoa, they haven’t all croaked yet. According to "Santa’s Good Time News Service", Elvis was spotted just last week crooning, “Blue Christmas” at a rock'n'rolling retirement community in Bootlegger Crossing, Arizona!

14. Isn’t it a worry that Santa is an anagram of Satan?

At least Santa and Satan know what’s “red” hot and what’s not. God probably has more to worry about inrepparttar 118149 anagram department than Santa or Satan. After all, he dislikes being called “man's best friend” and getting blamed for piddling on a fire-hydrant not to mention someone's parade.

15. If a wise woman had come torepparttar 118150 Nativity, she would have brought diapers, wouldn’t she?

If I'm not mistaken there were several signs hanging onrepparttar 118151 front door ofrepparttar 118152 Inn: "No Vacancy", "No Admission Under Any Circumstances", and one in even bigger, bolder letters -- “Wise Woman Not Welcome – Go Away!”... and your point was?

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