Jim and Mary Jones loved each other deeply, but often went into horrific verbal battles over any number of issues. They would argue and yell for hours, often into
night, leaving both of them exhausted, emotionally disconnected, hurt and resentful toward each other.Both became so upset they were flooded with negative feelings which prevented their being able to repair damage, to think rationally, or to problem-solve issues at hand.
Much of this emotional suffering could have been prevented or least minimized had they learned anger control tool #8:
—“Retreat and Think Things Over.”
Basically this means to temporarily distance yourself from situation for a period of time so that both of you can calm down. This allows your bodily systems to return to normal, and allows your normally good reasoning and thinking ability to return.
Easier Said Than Done
Yes, it is much easier said than done. It is one of those tools that sounds deceptively simple, yet it is by no means easy to do for at least two reasons:
There is a common myth that all relationship conflicts should be “settled” in moment while intense feelings are present. If you do not do this, you may be accused of “avoiding” issue.
Once stress or anger levels escalate to a certain point, one or both partners reach a point of no-return, due to flooding of brain with intense emotions. This makes it almost impossible to disengage from each other and stop fight.
Heed these Warning Signs
You know it is time to Retreat and Think Things Over when you are:
• Feeling overwhelmed during an argument • Raising your voice to an unusual level • Feeling your temper is out of control • You notice your heart racing • Sense your muscles tensing • Can’t think straight and you start to feel hostile.
Why this tool works
Temporarily removing yourself from situation allows your body to return to normal, provides a cooling-down time. It also allows your brain to return to its normal state where you can reason and think better.
