Ten Ways to Evolve, Part 2

Written by Rinatta Paries

Overrepparttar past decade, I've worked with thousands of individuals seeking ways to improve their ability to attract their ideal mate. As a result, I've created a list of ten most commonly prescribed personal development steps I recommend for those wanting to attract and create their ideal relationship. Last week I sharedrepparttar 101992 first half ofrepparttar 101993 list. Today, we will round outrepparttar 101994 list withrepparttar 101995 last five personal development steps.

Fortunately or unfortunately,repparttar 101996 second half of this list is much more difficult to accomplish thanrepparttar 101997 first. Because of this challenge, you may be tempted to dismiss these steps as impossible, or even irrelevant. I urge you not to. In taking these steps isrepparttar 101998 answer torepparttar 101999 one question I get from every single person I interact with: "How do I attractrepparttar 102000 kind of partner I am looking for?"

To review, below arerepparttar 102001 first five steps. For details on these steps, please read last week's newsletter at http://www.whatittakes.com/Archive/Newsletter40to49/newsletter__46.shtml

1. Get complete with your past to break relationship patterns. 2. Ask for what you want in any relationship. 3. The more you want a relationship, have a laundry list, a timetable for when it should occur,repparttar 102002 less likely you are to have it. 4. Don't try to change yourself to "fit" into a relationship. 5. Assess communication in your relationships.

Here isrepparttar 102003 second half of my top ten most popular relationship recommendations:

6. One key to recognizing when you've made a poor choice in a partner is whenrepparttar 102004 other person seems to adore you fromrepparttar 102005 start.

If a new relationship revolves around you, you need to know this is more aboutrepparttar 102006 other person's need to be connected to "someone" than it is about connecting with you personally.

A relationship such as this will cool off within a short period of time. You will be left feelingrepparttar 102007 urge to chaserepparttar 102008 person to continue to getrepparttar 102009 same amount of attention.

Take it very slow inrepparttar 102010 beginning of any relationship, even if your new partner is pushing to speed it up. Only relationships built slowly withstandrepparttar 102011 test of time.

7. Choose how to create a relationship.

Relationship choices are based on our parents' or care-givers' relationships or lack thereof. If their relationship did not work well, we are stuck with their painful relationship patterns. The only way out is to clearly understand how their relationships influenced our relationship choices and behaviors. We need to consciously choose what works for us and what doesn't.

Look at your parents' or care-givers' relationships to see how they parallel your relationship history. Then make a conscious choice about how you want to create your relationships, which beliefs and behaviors you want to leave behind and which you want to keep.

Reader Q&A

Written by Rinatta Paries

About every couple of months I answer readers' relationship questions. I try to answer questions in such a way as to both serverepparttar person askingrepparttar 101991 question, while also sharing with all readers some relationship truth or principle I see asrepparttar 101992 underlying question. This month I am also adding a new highlight torepparttar 101993 Q&A. The "Featured Question" can now be found atrepparttar 101994 end ofrepparttar 101995 Q&A, and is picked because of its broad appeal. This question will get a much more in-depth response.

Q. I am 23 and have been dating a guy for 2 years. Everything is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious and jealous. This type of behavior is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he says it's because he loves me too much. This puts me off. If you could please help… ~Rose

A. Dear Rose, I am not surprised your boyfriend's possessiveness and jealousy is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think you already know this behavior has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on. I am going to assume you have not done anything to make him feel more insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious and jealous. The good news is that you don't have to take it personally. The better news is that you don't need to try to make him feel better, because you can't - he will likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only hope of helping him ever get over them. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I really like this girl and I think she likes me. The problem is that she is dating someone. The bigger problem is that she is dating my friend. What do I do? ~Tommy

A. Dear Tommy, As I see it, you have two choices - letrepparttar 101996 girl know you like her, but loserepparttar 101997 friendship with your friend. Or, keeprepparttar 101998 friendship and go find another girl to focus on. It all depends on how importantrepparttar 101999 friendship is to you. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. Can you offer any insight into achieving intimacy, openness and honesty in a relationship without hurtingrepparttar 102000 other person? I see anger asrepparttar 102001 root of most intimacy problems. ~Krista

A. Dear Krista, You are right. Unresolved anger turned into resentment isrepparttar 102002 root of most intimacy problems. Resolving anger and resentments when they arise, as they will occasionally in any relationship, isrepparttar 102003 surest path to intimacy, openness and honesty. However, it's almost impossible not to hurtrepparttar 102004 other person, in any relationship. The truth is, you will hurt your partner - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally. Hurting each other occasionally does not have to meanrepparttar 102005 end ofrepparttar 102006 relationship. It is whatrepparttar 102007 two of you do withrepparttar 102008 hurt that matters. In an open, intimate relationshiprepparttar 102009 two people will talk about their anger and hurt, and learn to listen to each other in such a way thatrepparttar 102010 negative emotions will get worked through. ~Your Relationship Coach

Q. I have lived with a man for a year-and-a-half, and I'm really not sure if he'srepparttar 102011 one for me. My issue is this: Ralph wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants to wake up together inrepparttar 102012 morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed atrepparttar 102013 same time. I feel like he's infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he's clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I've given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn't spend mornings together. I'm a writer and I like to do some writing inrepparttar 102014 mornings...I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this I feel like he's a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do. If I say I don't WANT him to do that he feels rejected, and as if something is wrong because I don't want him there allrepparttar 102015 time.

It's not that I don't want to do anything together. We're taking a painting class together one night a week, and it's very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. Onrepparttar 102016 other hand, I also wonder if I'm making up this story about his lack of independence...and perhaps I'm not allowing myself to "be" with a man. I wonder sometimes if he's "good enough," and then I feel guilty that I'm such a "snob."

I have anger that bubbles up around these issues allrepparttar 102017 time. What do I do? ~Jane

A. Dear Jane, People in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order forrepparttar 102018 relationship to work. So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time - you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal withrepparttar 102019 feelings, instead of trying to fixrepparttar 102020 situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him. ~Your Relationship Coach

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