We aren’t born knowing how to talk. Nor are we born knowing how to make conversation. It’s not a science, where we can memorize rules. It’s an art, where we must intuit rules. One good way to learn to become a good conversationalist is to study someone who is. Another is to work with a coach.
It’s a combination of being present and engaged; having non-verbals under control; being truly interested in other people and curious about them; taking responsibility for holding up your end (“Don’t sit there like a bump on a log,” my Dad used to say, and a consummate conversationalist he was!); and having an interesting life yourself! After all, good conversation requires that you talk about something.
Here are some tips for conversationally-challenged. Work with a coach if you want to become proficient.
1. You can never lose by being a good listener.
Most people would rather talk than listen, and they need an audience. All you need to do is stay with it – maintain eye contact, smile, nod occasionally, say “uh huh,” "really?", "oh my goodness," "I understand exactly what you mean," and "yes, I see."
2. If you’re unsure of yourself, join existing groups where conversation is already in progress.
Until you’re confident about what you’re doing, don’t initiate conversation. It’s too much work, and you don’t need to be center of attention at this point.
3. Before you leave for gathering, prepare yourself intellectually.
One woman I know who’s an excellent conversationalist finds out what she can about others who will be there, and then does some reading. She really works at it.
For instance, if she knows another guest at dinner party just moved from Boston, she'll get on Internet and get herself informed. You can also research other people's professions and hobbies.
Then if you're seated on cruise next to a woman from Seattle, you can ask her if she's got a Chihuly and sound like a pro.
4. In any social situation, asking about people’s children is a sure winner.
There’s nothing most people would rather talk about than their kids, unless of course there’s a problem that you know of.
Not always good for business networking, but at a cocktail party or dinner party, get them started talking about their little darlings (or grand-darlings) and you’ll never get a word in edgewise, which is what you want when you’re a newbie conversationalist.
5. Follow conversation. Don’t butt in, and don’t get controversial, even if you don’t agree with what’s being said.
Generally speaking, avoid controversial topics. Save giving your own opinion, when it differs, until you have your sea legs.
The old rule used to be “Don’t talk about sex, religion or politics.” (Talking about money wasn't even a remote possibility.) Now there isn't much that's off-limits, but until you’re a seasoned professional, don’t start out with, “What do you think about Bush’s policy?”
6. Write out a list of conversation-starters.
Nice safe topics (weather, current events, family plans, light work topics). Open-ended works best, but isn't essential. People know they're supposed to be talking. Here are a few I would use here in my hometown:
· We sure have had a lot of rain for this time of year, haven’t we? · Did you get to watch Spurs' Finals? · Have you been down to River lately? I heard there’s a great new Mexican restaurant down there where Paesano’s used to be. What happened to Paesano’s? (Several threads gives them several options and fills air time.) · Have you got a vacation planned for this summer? · Did you see what they’ve done to old Baptist hospital? (If they have, they’ll comment. If they haven’t, you can inform.) · Mary told me you’re a personal life coach. What is it exactly that coaches do? · Where do you know Alan and Sue (the host and hostess) from? · Isn’t this house lovely? I like eclectic / modern / rustic / décor. I wonder where she got that painting. · What were doing last Labor Day?