Taking A Little Time Out For TimeWritten by Timothy Ward
Today's topic, ladies and gentleman, is: Time. We're going to talk about time today because I never seem to have enough of it. And I figure that if I dedicate a whole column to subject of time and stress some of it's finer points, then perhaps Father Time will show his appreciation by granting me a few extra hours each day. This will allow me to be able to complete a couple more important tasks each day such as hitting 'Snooze' button on my alarm clock at least 15 more times each morning. And speaking of snoozing, there will be none of that during today's lesson which will begin right now:Time is defined by The American Heritage Dictionary of English Language as: 'A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversible succession from past through present to future.' This definition leads us to obvious question: If a definition contains 20 word, 5 of which contain 10 or more letters, and it still doesn't make much sense, isn't it time to get another dictionary? Of course, dictionaries aren't only people who have trouble with time. The ancient Mayans, for example, struggled to understand time for centuries and never got it quite right. One look at their calender clues you in to this fact. The Mayan calender had 18 months, one of which was called ChikChan (short for May), and each month had 20 days. There was even one month, Wayeb, that had only 5 days. As you can imagine, this horribly inaccurate calender made scheduling important events like Super Bowl next to impossible. It also left them wide open to insults from other ancient civilizations, like Sumerians for example, who had fairly accurate calenders. The Sumerian calender had 365 days per year and even incorporated a leap year. Sadly, there was no Presidents Day, Martin Luther King Day, or Arbor Day incorporated into Sumerian calender which is why Sumerian civilization was eventually wiped out. Such flagrant calender discrimination, even in Dark Ages, could not be tolerated. Since we have covered all pertinent information available about calenders, I think it's high time we expand our understanding of time by discussing another mechanism by which we mortals judge passing of it. But first, does anyone know where phrase 'high time' comes from? Is there such a thing as 'low time'. Feel free to ponder these questions quietly as we move on to discussing: The Clock. A clock, for those of you who don't know, is defined by The American Heritage Dictionary of English Language as...Wait a second! Let's not even go there. We're already pretty confused as it is. Let's just all agree that a clock is a device that has lots of numbers and two arms and makes it's living by juggling minutes and seconds.
| | A Georgia Superhero!Written by Ed Williams
One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of Flash, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that I’ll see it more than once is an understatement, Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope this’ll be start of a whole new string of Batman films.All that having been said, I’ve started wondering if I could create a superhero. A superhero who’s different, a Southern superhero, and more specifically, a Georgia superhero. A superhero that we Georgians can claim as one of our own. And, if I think really hard about it, if I think of all unique things that Georgia has to offer, and if I think about kind of superhero that would excite me enough to go out and buy a comic book, one potential superhero fits bill. Readers of this column, y’all are about to be first people ever to hear about our newest superhero, yes, our first ever Georgia superhero - ladies and gentlemen, let me proudly introduce you to.... Red Clay Man! Yes, that’s right, Red Clay Man! Faster than a man who’s just eaten a large helping of aged jalapenos! More powerful than a Okefenokee gator in heat! Able to leap tall fire ant mounds in a single bound! Isn‘t he most? And don’t laugh, Red Clay Man is endowed with powers far different than that of average superhero. All Red Clay Man has to do to get ready for some crime fighting is to go out into rural Georgia and fill up his Crackerjack Back Pack with handfuls of red clay. Armed with one of our most precious natural substances, he can go out and fight crime like no one‘s business! Just think of it - a criminal holds up a bank in Metter and decides to drive out in country to count loot. He pulls over on some little back road somewhere and starts counting. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a big glob of red clay hits him smack between eyes! He’s blinded! And, if he happens to have presence of mind to try and run away, well, two globs of wet red clay splash down on ground right in front of him, causing him to slip and fall. At that point, Red Clay Man slaps his kudzu cuffs on evildoer and renders justice to him, Georgia style!
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