THINGS GRANNIES SHOULD NEVER DO OR SAY

-- Or, what women of a certain age should DO and SAY to have some fun! --

According to Webster, (a wicked if not witless wordsmith), a “granny” is “a fussy person”.

Clearly, “granny” ranks right up there with all other pejorative terms used to describe women of a certain age as “a hag”, “a harridan” or just “a handful”. With few endearing qualities or redeeming features, it’s not surprising that there are so many unpleasant things associated with “grannies”. Just take a look.

There is something called “granny knot” (responsible for tying up folks far too long in their twisted knickers). Then there's infamous “granny dress” (a long sack worn by those whose boobs have fallen by wayside, whose hips ressemble those of a heffalump, or whose flat feet now fit nicely into army boots). And last but not least, there's god-awful “granny suite” (a quaint place where offspring lodge their mother because dog-house is already occupied).

For benefit of those “freedom-fifty females” out there who do not want to sit in a rocking chair, knit wooly hats, and listen to crooners from days gone by – toss your grumps, groans and gripes. It’s time to gird your luscious loins, grab your giddy-up-and-go attitude, and give your gorgeous gutsy head a shake!

Here’s your list of top ten things to do to become a “flamboyant fickle floozie”, a “happy hook-line-and sinker”, or a “tantalizing tart with a heart”:

1. Buy a boa (the bigger better and most colorful one on rack, because this one has your name on it ...“Burlesque Babe”, "Buxom Baroness" or "Blue-Movie Queen"!)

2. Borrow most erotic novel you can find in library (then you know it’s passed censure’s test in case kids ask – and carry it conspicuously everywhere you go – it’ll be a great ice-breaker and hot conversation piece at any capricious cafe or captivating cocktail party!)

Back before he decided to be a teacher Mister Tony did some exciting stuff, he was over in Russia and he got cot by KYB and they throwed him in this place called doologs that was very cold and all they ever fed you was potatoes. Another time he was saline across ocean and he got stuck in this place called doldrums where wind never blows and him and his friends had to paddle there boat across it and it took a long time and they ran out of food and had to eat flying fish.

Another thing that Mister Tony did that was neat was back when he was a boy he learned Kung Fu, he was over in China for a long time and this guy named Gandy tot him Kung Fu. He said he would teach Mister Tony on one condishun, that he promised never to use his Kung Fu to be a bully. Mister Tony had a black belt for Kung Fu, accept it didn’t have a big buckle or his name on back like normal belts did.

I could talk for a long time about Mr. Tony because he had a very interesting life, accept I should probably tell you different things about my 4rth grade year.

There was my 2nd cousin Ricky in my 4rth grade class. Growing up I had 8 cousins, my 1st cousin Missy was in 6th grade that year and I can not remember what grades my other cousins was in accept I do remember that my 8th cousin little Jenny was not in school yet. Anyways Ricky had this girl friend that was a 4rth grader in my class, her name was Lisa. She was a little pretty accept she was very mean for a girl, even back then she was mean for a girl. One time she fell off magic carpet and broke her nose, she laid there on ground and moaned accept we couldn’t understand what she was saying because she was laying with her face in dirt. Some of 4rth graders laughed because she was always mean to them. Finally Mrs. Chritchunson came running up and said “I think you have broken your nose. We better get you to hospital!” They took her to hospital and put a cast on her nose, accept she didn’t let us sign it like Maria did when she broke her arm. Later Mrs. Christchnson came up to us that watched Lisa fall off magic carpet and said “The next time Lisa falls off magic carpet and breaks her nose, will you please come and tell me?” accept way she said it was different.

I remember one morning in 4rth grade that started out before 4rth grade started, in morning. It was a Friday and my mom got me up at 6 am so I could watch house while she went down to this place, I can’t remember name but they all jumped up and down and bounced around and did stretches and such. Like my mom did every morning she said “Please just watch cartoons and don’t get into anything, I will be back at 7, if anything happens call 911” and my mom left number for 911 right by phone with where we lived on a piece of paper so if something bad did happen I could call 911 and tell them where we lived.

This morning there was no good cartoons on t.v. and I didn’t want to watch t.v. so I went into kitchen thinking to myself “there must be something fun in here” and I looked for something fun until I found a box of matches in cupboard. Now I had used matches before to start stoves burning, and I knew how to use matches, accept never before did I have a whole box of matches. “This could be fun” I said to myself, accept I didn’t really say this.

I don’t know why but I struck a match and watched it burn, then throwed it in kitchen stove. I also do not know why but I did this again. I did it again, and again, and many times. Then I don’t know why but I lit 2 matches at one time, then 3 matches, and even 10 matches at one time. I had great fun lighting matches, accept it was not very long until there was no matches left. I knew this was not good because my dad would be mad if he had to by knew matches, since we did not have a money tree. Then I put matchbox back in cupboard and turned on cartoons and waited for my mom to come home.

When my mom came home she said “What is this smell in kitchen?”

I said “I do not notice anything.”

She said “It smells like sulfur in here.”

I said “It does?” I was pretending that it didn’t smell in kitchen.

“What did you do while I was gone” my mom asked me.

“Watched cartoons” I told her.

“Did you light any matches in here?” my mom asked me.

“Yes” I said.

“Why?” mom asked.

“I was trying to get stove going” I told her.

“How many matches did you use?” my mom asked me.

“A few” I told her.

Then my mom looked in stove at all burnt matches, and also looked in cupboard in matchbox and saw there was no matches left. “You used all matches!” she screamed at me.

“I did?” I said trying to act like I did not know I used all matches.

“And there is no wood in stove either!” my mom screamed at me again.

“Oh, maybe that is why it was so hard to get burning” I said still pretending that I was trying to light stove.