Written by Aphrodite Beamish

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.


-- Or, what women of a certain age should DO and SAY to have some fun! --

According to Webster, (a wicked if not witless wordsmith), a “granny” is “a fussy person”.

Clearly, “granny” ranks right up there with allrepparttar other pejorative terms used to describe women of a certain age as “a hag”, “a harridan” or just “a handful”. With few endearing qualities or redeeming features, it’s not surprising that there are so many unpleasant things associated with “grannies”. Just take a look.

There is something calledrepparttar 148909 “granny knot” (responsible for tying up folks far too long in their twisted knickers). Then there'srepparttar 148910 infamous “granny dress” (a long sack worn by those whose boobs have fallen byrepparttar 148911 wayside, whose hips ressemble those of a heffalump, or whose flat feet now fit nicely into army boots). And last but not least, there'srepparttar 148912 god-awful “granny suite” (a quaint place where offspring lodge their mother becauserepparttar 148913 dog-house is already occupied).

Forrepparttar 148914 benefit of those “freedom-fifty females” out there who do not want to sit in a rocking chair, knit wooly hats, and listen to crooners from days gone by – toss your grumps, groans and gripes. It’s time to gird your luscious loins, grab your giddy-up-and-go attitude, and give your gorgeous gutsy head a shake!

Here’s your list of top ten things to do to become a “flamboyant fickle floozie”, a “happy hook-line-and sinker”, or a “tantalizing tart with a heart”:

1. Buy a boa (the biggerrepparttar 148915 better andrepparttar 148916 most colorful one onrepparttar 148917 rack, because this one has your name on it ...“Burlesque Babe”, "Buxom Baroness" or "Blue-Movie Queen"!)

2. Borrowrepparttar 148918 most erotic novel you can find inrepparttar 148919 library (then you know it’s passedrepparttar 148920 censure’s test in caserepparttar 148921 kids ask – and carry it conspicuously everywhere you go – it’ll be a great ice-breaker and hot conversation piece at any capricious cafe or captivating cocktail party!)

3. Beguile a child to lend you a sparkly magic wand and tiara, plus one rubber toad (these are “must have” ingredients for turning nice young men with tight buns into Princes at midnight; they’re also a visible reminder to nasty nitwits of what’s in store for them if they so much as think a naughty thought or talk back torepparttar 148922 Queen of Quips, Quirks & Quidnuncs!)

A moron's account of 4th grade.

Written by greggb

Ah looking back on 4rth grade, it was not my favorite grade, 3erd grade was my favorite grad butt when I think about allrepparttar grades I had in school 4rth grade was not a bad grade. My teacher for 4rth grade was Mister Tony, he was a very smart and very nice teacher and he was alsorepparttar 148685 biggest teacher in all my grades.

Back before he decided to be a teacher Mister Tony did some exciting stuff, he was over in Russia and he got cot byrepparttar 148686 KYB and they throwed him in this place calledrepparttar 148687 doologs that was very cold and all they ever fed you was potatoes. Another time he was saline acrossrepparttar 148688 ocean and he got stuck in this place calledrepparttar 148689 doldrums whererepparttar 148690 wind never blows and him and his friends had to paddle there boat across it and it took a long time and they ran out of food and had to eat flying fish.

Another thing that Mister Tony did that was neat was back when he was a boy he learned Kung Fu, he was over in China for a long time and this guy named Gandy tot him Kung Fu. He said he would teach Mister Tony on one condishun, that he promised never to use his Kung Fu to be a bully. Mister Tony had a black belt for Kung Fu, accept it didn’t have a big buckle or his name onrepparttar 148691 back like normal belts did.

I could talk for a long time about Mr. Tony because he had a very interesting life, accept I should probably tell you different things about my 4rth grade year.

There was my 2nd cousin Ricky in my 4rth grade class. Growing up I had 8 cousins, my 1st cousin Missy was in 6th grade that year and I can not remember what grades my other cousins was in accept I do remember that my 8th cousin little Jenny was not in school yet. Anyways Ricky had this girl friend that was a 4rth grader in my class, her name was Lisa. She was a little pretty accept she was very mean for a girl, even back then she was mean for a girl. One time she fell offrepparttar 148692 magic carpet and broke her nose, she laid there onrepparttar 148693 ground and moaned accept we couldn’t understand what she was saying because she was laying with her face inrepparttar 148694 dirt. Some ofrepparttar 148695 4rth graders laughed because she was always mean to them. Finally Mrs. Chritchunson came running up and said “I think you have broken your nose. We better get you torepparttar 148696 hospital!” They took her torepparttar 148697 hospital and put a cast on her nose, accept she didn’t let us sign it like Maria did when she broke her arm. Later Mrs. Christchnson came up to us that watched Lisa fall offrepparttar 148698 magic carpet and said “The next time Lisa falls offrepparttar 148699 magic carpet and breaks her nose, will you please come and tell me?” acceptrepparttar 148700 way she said it was different.

I remember one morning inrepparttar 148701 4rth grade that started out before 4rth grade started, inrepparttar 148702 morning. It was a Friday and my mom got me up at 6 am so I could watchrepparttar 148703 house while she went down to this place, I can’t rememberrepparttar 148704 name but they all jumped up and down and bounced around and did stretches and such. Like my mom did every morning she said “Please just watch cartoons and don’t get into anything, I will be back at 7, if anything happens call 911” and my mom leftrepparttar 148705 number for 911 right byrepparttar 148706 phone with where we lived on a piece of paper so if something bad did happen I could call 911 and tell them where we lived.

This morning there was no good cartoons on t.v. and I didn’t want to watch t.v. so I went intorepparttar 148707 kitchen thinking to myself “there must be something fun in here” and I looked for something fun until I found a box of matches inrepparttar 148708 cupboard. Now I had used matches before to startrepparttar 148709 stoves burning, and I knew how to use matches, accept never before did I have a whole box of matches. “This could be fun” I said to myself, accept I didn’t really say this.

I don’t know why but I struck a match and watched it burn, then throwed it inrepparttar 148710 kitchen stove. I also do not know why but I did this again. I did it again, and again, and many times. Then I don’t know why but I lit 2 matches at one time, then 3 matches, and even 10 matches at one time. I had great fun lighting matches, accept it was not very long until there was no matches left. I knew this was not good because my dad would be mad if he had to by knew matches, since we did not have a money tree. Then I putrepparttar 148711 matchbox back inrepparttar 148712 cupboard and turned on cartoons and waited for my mom to come home.

When my mom came home she said “What is this smell inrepparttar 148713 kitchen?”

I said “I do not notice anything.”

She said “It smells like sulfur in here.”

I said “It does?” I was pretending that it didn’t smell inrepparttar 148714 kitchen.

“What did you do while I was gone” my mom asked me.

“Watched cartoons” I told her.

“Did you light any matches in here?” my mom asked me.

“Yes” I said.

“Why?” mom asked.

“I was trying to getrepparttar 148715 stove going” I told her.

“How many matches did you use?” my mom asked me.

“A few” I told her.

Then my mom looked inrepparttar 148716 stove at allrepparttar 148717 burnt matches, and also looked inrepparttar 148718 cupboard inrepparttar 148719 matchbox and saw there was no matches left. “You used allrepparttar 148720 matches!” she screamed at me.

“I did?” I said trying to act like I did not know I used allrepparttar 148721 matches.

“And there is no wood inrepparttar 148722 stove either!” my mom screamed at me again.

“Oh, maybe that is why it was so hard to get burning” I said still pretending that I was trying to lightrepparttar 148723 stove.

My mom did not believe that I was trying lightrepparttar 148724 stove and she made me sit down and she yelled at me for a long time and asked “why did you use up allrepparttar 148725 matches?” accept I did not know why I used up allrepparttar 148726 matches. My mom told me that I was in big trouble and that they was going to send me to pyromaniac school where you go for a long time and they teach you not to play with matches as much. Also my mom said I was grounded and that I could not go to Mike’s house after school.

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