Written by Adrian Air-of-Sleet

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005


-- Or, Help Wanted: Weird Word Whizbangers Unite! --

By Adrian Air-of-Sleet, a pleasure-seeking, mandolin-playing, maroon-hairpiece sort of fellow who enjoys Italian weddings, spelling bees, andrepparttar Calgary Stampede

While I was perusing several dog-eared magazines hanging fromrepparttar 147279 racks of a 24-hour convenience store inrepparttar 147280 middle of an odd place named Billy Butts Pond, my enlightenment bulb went off.

Curious as to why this power of positive thinking outage had occurred, I put on my dunce cap in order to gain a new perspective on this perplexing problem.

I ascertained fromrepparttar 147281 rather bleak-looking landscape that this ghastly glitch probably had something to do with being shipwrecked on “The Rock”, (a weird island in Canada called “Newfoundland” which is also home to such strange towns as Ass Hill, Bareneed, and Dildo).

Now I know what it must have been like to live as my Celtic ancestors had inrepparttar 147282 “Dark Ages” without access torepparttar 147283 Internet, i-pods, and personal digital assistants, not to mention vampire video games and vapid virtual reality TV shows.

With precious little to do while waiting for Godot to show up, I decided to organize and host a "Twisted Tongue Tournament" forrepparttar 147284 locals and any aliens who might be inrepparttar 147285 vicinity.

The purpose ofrepparttar 147286 challenge was to light a fire under everyone by asking them to marry animal names with human characteristics to give birth to new beasts. (This seemed like a good idea atrepparttar 147287 time, as there wasn’t even a zoo let alone pet-friendly robotic animals inrepparttar 147288 blinking place).

So here are a few ofrepparttar 147289 submissions received byrepparttar 147290 judges:

Bedspring Peeper – a naughty tree toad that refuses to turn into a Prince at midnight

Boo-Hoo Gnu – an ugly, unhappy ungulate that doesn’t stand a hope in hell of retiring to a stud farm thank you very much

Buffelope – a bare essentials male beast with no hang-ups aboutrepparttar 147291 naked truth (see Scantelope)

Botchfly – a stout, hopelessly clumsy, winged creature that has difficulty with takeoffs and landings

Bush-Twit – a timid Texan titmouse

Chumpanzee – not your average high-flying jungle bunny

Cramanatee – a gormandizing male golf-ball eater that lives in tidy little green holes

D'orca – a fashion-conscious killer whale

Ficklefish – a two-timing Piscean creature with an unhealthy attachment disorder

Gemsbloke – a large, young buck with lots of bling bling

Gussy Uppy – a gold-plated guppy that adds a little sparkle to any boring aquarium tank

Country Pastimes 2: Bale surfing

Written by Simon Mitchell

Sincerepparttar demise of foxhunting and 'hunting with dogs' inrepparttar 147238 countryside, there are thousands of dispossessed toffs wandering around with nothing to do. To compensate we offer hererepparttar 147239 new shape of extreme and dangerous landsports.

2. Bale surfing The new shape of hay bales has createdrepparttar 147240 little known country sport of 'bale surfing'. Please note that this is a dangerous countryside activity that should not be undertaken withoutrepparttar 147241 proper training. Square bales have all but disappeared fromrepparttar 147242 countryside, giving way to much larger cylindrical bales that are stacked using machinery, rather than tossed intorepparttar 147243 hay loft with a pitchfork. The loss of machismo activity associated with this tossing has been replaced, in hillier regions ofrepparttar 147244 UK withrepparttar 147245 new sport of bale surfing.

For this activity you will require a strong assistant, known locally as a 'bale spring'. Firstly, choose your field carefully forrepparttar 147246 'roll'. A good initial slope or hill will help getrepparttar 147247 bale moving. A field that then gives way to a gentler slope is a safety requirement. On no account practice this sport in fields atrepparttar 147248 edge of cliffs, roads or dangerous rivers. Ponds are at your own discretion. With your assistant, pushrepparttar 147249 bale to get it rolling and atrepparttar 147250 appropriate moment, mountrepparttar 147251 bale and start running onrepparttar 147252 spot, backwards, staying on top ofrepparttar 147253 bale. Some contestants like to face backwards and run onrepparttar 147254 spot forwards but this is regarded as un-sportsmanlike. Its also pretty stupid as you can't see where you're going. Your assistant should continue to apply force torepparttar 147255 hay bale to gainrepparttar 147256 required momentum.

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