Do you have a consistent problem with your child lying to you, even though he or she is normally a “good” child? Sometimes
lies are even about things that don’t really matter or your child continues to lie in face of overwhelming proof to contrary?It is my firm belief that we will not end lying behavior in our children until we take away consequences for telling truth. This is a concept explored in greater detail within Nancy Buck’s book, Peaceful Parenting®.
How many times as a child were you told by your parents that you wouldn’t get into “as much” trouble if only you would be honest and tell truth? I think this must be a rule in Parenting 101 because almost every parent I know has uttered this inalienable truth at least once with their children. Do you remember what you heard when you were told that as a child? I do.
What I actually heard is: if you keep on lying, you are going to really get into trouble. You already lied so you are at pretty high risk of getting into serious trouble. But, if I stick to my story, then there is a possibility there will be no punishment. No one likes to be punished. So it is logical that most children will choose path that is least likely to result in pain. This, to most children, means lying route.
I am proposing that if you want to decrease your child’s lying, then you need to say, “As long as you tell me truth, you will not be punished.” This is a huge shift for many of you and you are probably asking yourself, “But what if my child did something that requires punishment---something seriously against rules?” I still say remove consequences for lying and you will more likely get truth.
Before you come to this decision, though, you must decide whether or not you really want truth. A few years ago, I was speaking to mother of one of my sons’ friends. She was very upset that a boy had stayed at her home and slept on top of same bed with his girlfriend. Now, this mother was aware that both boy and girl were sleeping at her house but she did not want them to share a bed. The two disregarded her wishes but felt they were complying with main issue by sleeping on top of covers, fully clothed. When mother discovered them early in morning, still sleeping, she was livid. She called me to vent her frustration. In her ravings, she said, “Well, I know I did same thing and worse but at least I had decency to lie to my parents!” I asked her if she really preferred being lied to and she responded affirmatively.
Now, if you are a parent who would really rather not know, then this article is not for you. I am writing to those parents who want to know real truth about what is going on with their children and who can handle truth when presented with it, rather than feeling urge to punish their child.
