In past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit. But nobody can say I'm not serious about my subject. In fact you could say I have a Masters degree in coprology! In recent months I have been busy writing a paper (toilet paper, obviously) entitled "What Really Happens When Shit Hits Fan ?". Clearly one needs to define one's terms and my approach was as scientific as it could be.
Firstly I decide to confine my researches to three types of fan:
i) Electric fans ii) Cricket and/or football fans (depending on which one is in season at time) and iii) Hand held fans i.e. Of kind which is fluttered by demure young ladies in period dramas
Secondly there was a need to be able to grade various kinds of shit according to size, weight, malleability and viscosity. This required use of expensive scientific instruments and so I equipped myself with -
electronic scales, a pestle and mortar, an engineer's measure, a sieve, packet of rubber gloves shower cap and safety glasses (call me a fashion victim if you like. It's my choice.)
I set up a standard desktop fan (this one had a safety grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on for purposes of experiment). I then ate six cans of a discount brand of baked beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The horror films had desired effect and within ten minutes I was shitting myself with fear (OK so I'm a scaredy cat too, so what?). Shortly thereafter I was busy gathering what we shall term "material" in readiness for experiment numero uno.
The fan was switched onto its highest setting (moderate breeze or number one on Beaufort scale for any budding meteorologists reading this). I rolled first turd* and verified its weight as 200 grammes or about half a pound if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then fired missile from a distance of ten feet using a modified crossbow (patent pending) designed by yours truly (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hit fan absolutely dead centre. Approximately twenty percent of its mass clung to outside of safety grille. Eighty percent reached blades.
And a staggering one hundred percent was flung off into office where tests were being conducted. I apologised to executives in immediate vicinity and retired for a shower.
Following first experiment, office based tests had to be put on hold for a temporary period. There were three main problems. Firstly it was proving very difficult to get funding for my experimental endeavours. Usually when you request financial support for work of kind which I do, people think you are talking out of your arse. I suppose they are right in a way . . . Secondly there were some technical refinements to attend to; certain brands of beans result in missiles of far too watery a consistency. And thirdly there was an ongoing legal problem. Something to do with an office manager's dry cleaning bill and my reply that he had signed a waiver and had been given plenty of prior warning of all possible consequences. It annoys me. It really does. They all want free publicity in local press but as soon as anything goes wrong they don't want to know you.