Spitting Feathers

Written by Chris P Bohn


It's 4.41 a.m. and I am listening torepparttar birds singing inrepparttar 118256 nearby park. Few people hearingrepparttar 118257 Dawn Chorus could guess at how highly organised and politically motivated birds have become overrepparttar 118258 past few years. . .

It all started with a campaign by owls to secure extended rights for night workers, including enhanced rates of pay, regular meal breaks and assurances that they would not be penalized for refusing to work overtime. Some employers tried to get owls in trouble in certain parts ofrepparttar 118259 country. They did this by contacting their local branches ofrepparttar 118260 Health and Safety Department and complaining aboutrepparttar 118261 owls' unsavoury habit of regurgitating their food where it could be likely to cause contamination. But after a long court battlerepparttar 118262 owls won on a technicality.

Union activity has become increasingly important for birds. A landmark ruling has seen a Bill of Rights for chickens and turkeys become law in England and Wales. This will ensure enforcement of

1) The right to be anaesthetised (or preferably deceased) when plucked and 2) The right to be cooked atrepparttar 118263 correct temperature as well asrepparttar 118264 more controversial 3) Right not to be covered in grease and sold in truckers' cafés.

Pigeons have been keen union activists for a long time. Six years ago they broke away fromrepparttar 118265 birds' Musicians Union claiming that other birds (and approximately 90% of humans) were discriminating against them. Things came to a head after a series of complaints about pigeons' monotonous calls (we are not allowed to refer to these calls as birdsong as this has been outlawed under an adaptation ofrepparttar 118266 human "Trades Descriptions Act"). Larks and warblers and others calling themselves "proper" songbirds managed to put together a large petition calling into question pigeons' status as musicians and insisting that their rights and privileges be renegotiated. The "proper" songbirds described pigeons' calls as "nothing more than cheap and repetitive sampling which contributes nothing torepparttar 118267 music industry . . ."

Seagulls are being seen in greater numbers these days in some of our more inland towns and cities. This is because, due torepparttar 118268 dramatic fall in fish stocks inrepparttar 118269 North Sea, many seagulls have been decommissioned. The gulls who have remained inrepparttar 118270 industry have found their activities severely curtailed. A major contributory factor torepparttar 118271 gulls' problems has been unfair competition from human fishing "trawlers" which are equipped to handle vast quantities of raw fish. A spokesman forrepparttar 118272 Seabird Federation said:

"We have passedrepparttar 118273 point of no return. Young birds have seenrepparttar 118274 problems their parents have had to face. They have decided not to go into fishing. It's very sad. They just spend all day walking round town centres eating out of discarded fish and chip wrappers. . ."

There is an organization in Britain calledrepparttar 118275 RSPB (Royal Society forrepparttar 118276 Protection of Birds) which isrepparttar 118277 political wing ofrepparttar 118278 NDBLA (National Dickie Bird Liberation Army). For a long time there has been controversy over whererepparttar 118279 money goes fromrepparttar 118280 RSPB. Many suspect that some of it has been funding terrorist operations by militant pigeons. Older readers may recallrepparttar 118281 start of a long-running pigeon sponsored campaign involving defecating on cars which had just been washed. Small garden bird splinter groups were later formed and these groups attacked domestic washing lines, causing havoc in inner city areas.

Hitting The Fan

Written by Chris P Bohn


Inrepparttar past people have occasionally accused me of talking shit. But nobody can say I'm not serious about my subject. In fact you could say I have a Masters degree in coprology! In recent months I have been busy writing a paper (toilet paper, obviously) entitled "What Really Happens Whenrepparttar 118255 Shit Hitsrepparttar 118256 Fan ?". Clearly one needs to define one's terms and my approach was as scientific as it could be.

Firstly I decide to confine my researches to three types of fan:

i) Electric fans ii) Cricket and/or football fans (depending on which one is in season atrepparttar 118257 time) and iii) Hand held fans i.e. Ofrepparttar 118258 kind which is fluttered by demure young ladies in period dramas

Secondly there was a need to be able to grade various kinds of shit according to size, weight, malleability and viscosity. This requiredrepparttar 118259 use of expensive scientific instruments and so I equipped myself with -

electronic scales, a pestle and mortar, an engineer's measure, a sieve, packet of rubber gloves shower cap and safety glasses (call me a fashion victim if you like. It's my choice.)

I set up a standard desktop fan (this one had a safety grille which, although removable, I chose to leave on forrepparttar 118260 purposes ofrepparttar 118261 experiment). I then ate six cans of a discount brand of baked beans and sat down to watch some old Boris Karloff movies. The horror films hadrepparttar 118262 desired effect and within ten minutes I was shitting myself with fear (OK so I'm a scaredy cat too, so what?). Shortly thereafter I was busy gathering what we shall term "material" in readiness for experiment numero uno.

The fan was switched onto its highest setting (moderate breeze or number one onrepparttar 118263 Beaufort scale for any budding meteorologists reading this). I rolledrepparttar 118264 first turd* and verified its weight as 200 grammes or about half a pound if you are still using NASA units of measurement. I then firedrepparttar 118265 missile from a distance of ten feet using a modified crossbow (patent pending) designed by yours truly (talented or what?). The "chocolate cannonball" hitrepparttar 118266 fan absolutely dead centre. Approximately twenty percent of its mass clung torepparttar 118267 outside ofrepparttar 118268 safety grille. Eighty percent reachedrepparttar 118269 blades.

And a staggering one hundred percent was flung off intorepparttar 118270 office whererepparttar 118271 tests were being conducted. I apologised torepparttar 118272 executives inrepparttar 118273 immediate vicinity and retired for a shower.

Followingrepparttar 118274 first experiment, office based tests had to be put on hold for a temporary period. There were three main problems. Firstly it was proving very difficult to get funding for my experimental endeavours. Usually when you request financial support for work ofrepparttar 118275 kind which I do, people think you are talking out of your arse. I suppose they are right in a way . . . Secondly there were some technical refinements to attend to; certain brands of beans result in missiles of far too watery a consistency. And thirdly there was an ongoing legal problem. Something to do with an office manager's dry cleaning bill and my reply that he had signed a waiver and had been given plenty of prior warning of all possible consequences. It annoys me. It really does. They all want free publicity inrepparttar 118276 local press but as soon as anything goes wrong they don't want to know you.

Cont'd on page 2 ==>
 
ImproveHomeLife.com © 2005
Terms of Use