Speaking on Behalf of Our Children: Stop Blaming the VictimsWritten by Dawn Fry
Word Count: 893Speaking on Behalf of Our Children: Stop Blaming Victims by Dawn Fry How many times have you flipped through pages of a magazine or newspaper and seen images of children with captions like "Brats," "Bullies," or "Mean and Selfish"? Unfortunately, these are common occurrences in today's media. For some child advocates, these images serve as a call to action: We need to do something to help America's so-called "out-of-control" children. The problem is, while these negative images are a wake up call, they are not doing anything to help troubled children. In fact, they only add to problem. By labeling children brats, bullies, or mean and selfish, we are imposing very same behaviors on them that we teach as being wrong. In Robert Shaw's book, The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children, he asserts that "Our culture no longer offers what children need to truly thrive." That is, some children are so unruly because society has unknowingly taught them to act this way Getting Down to Root of Problem The "epidemic" that Shaw discusses is a result of a deeply rooted social system called Authoritarianism, which is a system of behaviors that manipulate and control through pain and humiliation. These behaviors include blaming, shaming, preaching, moralizing, accusing, ridiculing, belittling, evaluating, labeling, threatening, judging, and punishing - all bullying behaviors. These behaviors disrespect, discourage, and devalue person to whom they are directed. When such authoritarian behaviors are imposed on children, end result is usually a loss of dignity and self-respect. Instead of helping them overcome their problems, these methods only make children feel worse about themselves, causing them to react by displaying same authoritarian behaviors. Authoritarian behaviors are so deeply rooted that even professional advocates who speak out against bullying resort to using same tactics. For example, on an episode of his TV. show, Dr. Phil McGraw interviewed a teenage girl who was being verbally and physically abused by other girls at school. Since accused girls refused to appear on program, Dr. Phil delivered a message to them by looking and speaking directly into camera. When he began to ridicule accused girls and call them names, audience immediately applauded and cheered with approval. Both Dr. Phil and his audience were advocating very same behaviors that he was speaking against. Bullying is so deeply rooted in today's society, that it now seems reasonable. Adding to our trouble, our nation as a whole has a reputation of being a bully because of our authoritarian behaviors. In fact, The San Francisco Chronicle recently ran an article entitled "9/11 Reminds Chinese of America, a Global Bully." In article a student at Beijing Institute of Science said, "America is a bully, so when someone hits back, it feels good." When bullying is directed at children, cycle continues. Many bullied children end up being bullies themselves because "it feels good," causing others to feel like victims for much of their life.
| | Is It Okay to Spoil Your Kids?Written by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as author resource box at end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.Title: Is It Okay to Spoil Your Kids? Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 711 Category: Parenting IS IT OKAY TO SPOIL YOUR KIDS? By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. None of us want “spoiled” kids - kids who are bratty, self-centered, demanding, inconsiderate. So, what spoils children and what doesn’t? When I was raising my children, I was often told that I would spoil them if I didn’t let them cry - if I held them a lot. Fortunately, I didn’t believe this nonsense. You can’t spoil a child with love. Children need love as much as they need food and water. The problem is in defining “love.” We are not giving love to our children when we give them everything they want on material level. Parents often think they are loving their children when they pile them up with all toys or activities they desire, but what is actual result of indulging our children in this way? There are three big negative consequence of “spoiling” our children on material level: 1) It fosters addictive behavior - filling up from outside with things and activities rather than filling up from inside through caring and creativity. Too many adults are addicted to spending or other activities to fill up their emptiness. If they are stressed, instead of dealing with source of their stress - which is generally some way they are not taking care of themselves - they cover their feelings with some addictive behavior such as spending, TV, food, alcohol, and so on. When we offer our children too many toys, too many activities, too much comfort food, or allow too much TV, we are not loving them. We are training them to be addicted. 2) Often parents provide things and activities for their children while denying their own needs. It’s not loving to children to give in to their every demand, especially if it means putting yourself aside. When you constantly give in to your children and deny your own needs, children learn that it’s okay to disregard others needs and be demanding brats. Children may not learn to consider others if you do not expect them to consider you by considering yourself. They will learn to treat you way you treat yourself, so it is not loving to your children to disregard yourself. When you disrespect yourself, you teach your children to be disrespectful.
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