As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”

“Hello Chelsea,” I said.

Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”

A few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a good, long-term relationship. She was in my office explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try online dating. I pointed out that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her criteria, in shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.

“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip formalities and get right to point.

“I really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found right guy.”

“And…?”

“Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”

She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.

”That’s where problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.” Then, after a pensive pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?”

Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?

Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This is usually result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.

Men contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and lack of a basic understanding of how women function sexually. Since so many men measure their very degree of “maleness” by their sexual prowess, it has become well established that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining element in what we call manhood. The problem is that when a woman cares enough about a man to become intimate with him, she usually cares enough about his ego to feel incredible pressure to make him believe she thoroughly enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing need to please a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end incessant pounding.”

Men should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead to her having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm does not mean she did not find experience pleasurable. Relieving her of this pressure will allow her to become more relaxed and more receptive, thus leading to more orgasms!

I know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could benefit from learning more about how to please women. It is probably a good idea to start by letting go of notion that only way a woman can be stimulated to a climax is by way of intercourse. In fact, only about 30% of women can experience orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves a staggering majority of women who require other forms of stimulation.

I could go on in great detail about this particular issue because it is truly at heart of so many of these problems. Chelsea’s problems were rooted elsewhere.

I, like most men, had grown up in an era, much like those of decades before, that collectively believed that women who reported rape were:

1) Never really raped at all. Instead they were mad at their boyfriend or "some-guy" for whatever reason and were using this as a weapon to "get him in trouble." Or, worse yet,

2) "Asking for it," because of they way they dressed, talked, or presented themselves.

As for first belief, I believe that this may happen occasionally. However, one would have to be living in a cultural vaccuum to believe that this is reason that a six year old tells someone that she was "touched and now it hurts," or nun found battered and bruised who reports that she was sexually assaulted by a seventeen year old. And second belief? Can you imagine burglar sitting in court and saying, "Your honor, honestly, I mean way that TV was placed in that display window, all sleak and shiny and with such a fine picture tube and all - I mean, c'mon your honor, it was just asking to be stolen." Can you?

One of 'things' that put me on road that I eventually followed in becoming a police officer, bodyguard and self protection teacher, is my own inherent 'distrust' and rebellion against what we'll call conventional wisdom. I can't tell you how painful it has been for me to listen to law enforcement officials, lawyers, judges and even so-called self-defense experts expressing either or both of these same beliefs. Especially in light of all of evidence that's available.

Anyway, one day, several years ago, minding my own business, I find myself in a McDonald's restaurant. While enjoying lunch with my wife and two children, I pick up on what sounded like an evangelical presentation at some table across from where we were sitting. This, coupled with obvious discomfort displayed by faces and bodies of man and woman that were recipients of message, caused me to give conversation more than casual attention. At time, I was a federal police officer with about six years of street experience under my belt, so disturbances like these were something that I naturally and instinctly tuned in on.

What I found when I looked was a small woman, roughly in her late twenties but no more than thirty, talking to a couple at next table. The look on woman's face was no less than passionate and her tone was very direct - almost panicked. But, not for herself, for man's female companion. What I heard next, forever changed way that I would talk about subjects of rape and women's self-defense.

You see, this woman, we'll call her Susan, had been victim of rape. By time I met her, Susan had recovered significantly from what would be described today as post traumatic stress disorder - traumatic mental and emotional aftermath of what began as a physical attack on her body. Unlike most victims of rape though, Susan had taken it upon herself to tell every woman - and man or men connected to her - her story, lessons she had learned, most of all, to learn how to protect herself! In fact Susan was on a crusade. She gave talks to schools, groups, and yes, even impromptu presentations like one I was witnessing, in a McDonald's restaurant. And, she was very good at it. Because for Susan, it was personal.

I think that part of reason for discomfort in Susan's listeners was that Susan was talking about a subject that is taboo, and especially with strangers. I mean, really, rape? That's sex, right? Yeah, sure, it's a crime, but it's a "sex" crime - "sex" - you don't talk about that, right? But Susan did, and she was passionate about it.

Susan was passionate about it because this one incident, this one type of assault that's routinely trivialized and ignored in our homes, in our schools, and, yes, in our courts, had shattered almost every belief that she had about crime, who it happens to and her own ability to cope with it.